As If He'd Never Existed
by fojangles
Summary: When Edward left, Bella began to find solace in daredevil activities. It seemed that no length of time nor amount of near-death experiences could slake Bella's thirst for Edward-until cliff-diving. When Alice manages to talk Edward down from a ledge to attend Bella's funeral, both were surprised to find Bella alive, clueless as to who they are, and glued to the side of Jacob Black
1. Chapter 1: Who Am I?

_**As If He Never Existed**_

A New Moon Fanfiction by Fojangles

 **Summary**

When Edward left, Bella was sure that she'd never be able to move on. He had done his damnedest to hold true to that final promise he'd made her before he said goodbye-to never interfere with her life again and to make it as if he'd never existed-but even without the photos, CDs, or radio, the impact he'd left on her didn't fade. Far from letting go, Bella began to find solace in daredevil activities with the help of her newfound companion, Jacob Black. From approaching shady men outside of seedy bars to flying down treacherous gravel roads on experimental motorcycles, she stalks adrenaline highs for the sole purpose of hearing Edward's disapproving growls in her head. It seemed that no length of time nor amount of near-death experiences could slake Bella's thirst for Edward-until she went cliff-diving. After much careful negotiation, Alice (having seen Bella's future go blank) manages to pull Edward away from his suicide attempt long enough to travel back to Forks to ensure that Bella is actually dead. Neither of them could have anticipated the actual cause of her sudden lack of future: Bella had no memory. All recollection of Edward or his family, vampires, werewolves, Forks, and even Charlie and Renee were gone. What will Edward do now? Will he break the promise that Bella no longer remembers? Or will he use this to his advantage to hold true to his word, letting her continue on without him as if he never existed?

 **Chapter One**

 **Who Am I?**

 _All around me are familiar faces,_

 _Worn out places, worn out faces_

-Gary Jules, "Mad World"

"Retrograde amnesia?"

"Yes. She sustained a very heavy blow to the head."

"My daughter has amnesia?"

"Yes. That's why she has no memory of you or anyone else."

"How long will it last? She'll eventually snap out of it, right?"

"Most likely, yes."

"'Most likely'? Christ, Doc, elaborate for me a little. I feel like I'm living in a damn soap opera, here."

"Some cases result in permanent brain damage. With some cases, short-term or long-term memory loss can persist the patient throughout the rest of their lives. What she has-retrograde amnesia-is quite rare. I can't really say the likelihood of her full recovery, but I believe that the odds are in her favor. Regardless, it could take anywhere from mere hours to weeks for her to return to some semblance of normalcy."

"What should I do until then? Keep her at home? Would she even be able to keep up in school?"

"Her intelligence shouldn't be affected. That's two different types of memory and stored in totally different locations in the brain. She could readily jump right back into academics. It's the social aspect of school that concerns me. I'm going to write her an excuse, keep her out of school for a little while. The stress of being surrounded by so many faces she doesn't recognize might be a little much for her right now. Until she recovers, mostly keep a close eye on her and, above all, be patient. Even after she's released to go home, she may have spotty memory of parts of her day; that's completely normal. Mind how you question her, too. Don't ask her if she remembers the way to somewhere or how to do something, just ask her if she can. She'll have to rely more on reflexive memory than consciously trying to recall."

"So I should just hand my daughter a set of keys and ask her to drive herself to the store in her condition?"

"Absolutely not! Just start small, like asking her to grab you something from somewhere in the house. Or ask her to make supper."

"Should I show her pictures or tell her stories to jog her memory?"

"No, Mr. Swan. The reminder effect does nothing for someone suffering from retrograde amnesia; you'll only stress her. Let it come to her. The only known cures are time and patience."

"Will she be different, Doc? I mean her personality."

"That one is hard to say. Personality is rooted in so many different causes. Likes in food or smells or sensation shouldn't change because her senses are the same. Aspects of her that are conditioned from past experiences which are now forgotten? ... Yes, it's possible."

"... Thanks, Doc. I'm sorry. I know I'm giving you a hard time..."

"I understand, Mr. Swan. I wish I could give you more definite answers, but there are very few when dealing with amnesia, especially one so rare. Just don't give up hope. Bella seems to be doing very well."

I stared out of the window in the room that I've been told is mine. Being told it's mine and feeling that it's mine are different things, however. It still felt a lot like I was staying in someone else's spare bedroom. Raindrops slide down the glass slowly, streaking the surface as they make impact. It rains here a lot, I thought to myself and not for the first time. I can't really say how long I've been sitting here, but I can't find a single reason as to why I should move. I can feel puffy bags weighing down underneath my eyes and each blink makes them feel itchy and cry for them to shut. Sleep has been an elusive creature since I woke up in the hospital, broken and defective. It's always weird dreams or pondering the gigantic hole in my memory that plagues me and keeps me up all night.

Realizing that you don't actually know who you are is a really weird feeling. Surprisingly, there's very little panic involved until someone tells you that you should know these things. Before that, I was only mildly confused as to where I was and how I got there. Of course, I knew that I was in a hospital, but I was awake in that hospital, so I was pretty sure that I was going to be okay. Until I was told that my brain was broken. It isn't an easy thing to hear. For some reason, being told that a bone is broken isn't nearly as rattling as being told that something in your brain is fried. I guess that's because a leg, while a part of you, isn't what defines you and makes you... well, you.

It's been a little under a week since I've returned from the hospital. Dr. Fredericks said I should be patient, that if I just relax and don't force it, that my memory will come back on its own. The way he explains it, I'd hit my forehead really hard while jumping off of a cliff-which really makes me wonder if I want to remember everything, actually-and that it affected my episodic memory. Basically, I can work a cell phone and recite all fifty states, but every personal event or experience in my life is gone. Temporarily. Y'know, hopefully. He said I may never remember the events immediately before I jumped off a cliff, so I may never recall why I wanted to do something so utterly idiotic, but I guess that's what I have friends for.

Jacob Black and his entourage of Native American boys have been a constant since I woke up. According to Charlie (who's apparently my dad), Jacob and I were inseparable before the incident. Charlie said that he was the one who saw me jump and saved my life. I don't remember Jacob, but I get good feelings when he's around, so I imagine that they must be telling me the truth. He said that he would be coming over today, but I don't know when. Like I said, nothing but good vibes from Jacob, but he definitely acts suspicious at times. I think Jacob must be really bad at hiding things because making a girl suffering from amnesia suspicious that you're hiding something after only twenty-four hours of knowing you sounds really impressive to me.

Finally, I rise from the bed and begin to take another tour of my room in hopes of jogging my memory. Honestly, there isn't much here to help give my brain a jump-start. It's sort of weird that I don't have any pictures or anything after a year of living here. According to my dad and the amount of "Get Well" cards, I was pretty popular in school and I went out a good amount with my friends. Didn't normal people take photos of outings? Where were those for me? Charlie must not be good at hiding things, either, because when I asked him why my room was so barren, he gave vague excuses or changed the subject. Whatever the reason, the only things I really have are my dinosaur computer and a shelf of books. I clearly have a thing for the classics.

A knock on the door breaks into my thoughts and I turn to see who it is. Since returning home, Charlie has kind of made it obvious that he'd rather my door remain open when I can do so. I think he's scared that I'll forget what a pair of scissors are for and stab myself with them. He has the same maddening expression of deep-seated worry and tentative hope that has been his mask for almost a week.

"Hey, Dad," I greet. Honestly, I still don't remember Charlie, either, but I do everything that I can to make it less obvious in front of him. The pain in his face when he realizes that he's still a stranger to me is unbearable.

"Hey, Bella," he replied, heavy emphasis on my name. Just in case I forgot again, I guess. I suppose I should be grateful for his consideration, but I can feel a small bit of resentment edging itself into my gut. "How are you feeling?"

"Better," I say, "A little more clear-headed."

I see Charlie's eyes light up and feel a small twinge of guilt. I'd taken to telling him vague statuses that suggest improvement. I honestly can't keep watching his face fall each time that I tell him that I feel the same as I did an hour ago.

"Good," Charlie replied with a genuine smile. "Jacob's here for you. He's waiting in the kitchen."

"Oh. Okay. Great," I said, wishing I'd started getting ready earlier. "I'll be down soon."

Once Charlie had excused himself, I grabbed my bag of hygiene supplies and crossed the hall into the face in the mirror was still a stranger, all brown eyes and hair and ghostly-pale skin. I didn't really have a strong opinion on my looks either way. If I was being honest, I'd describe myself as plain. I wasn't ugly or lacking, I just wasn't someone who'd stand out in a crowd. I wet my toothbrush and applied the paste hurriedly. I didn't want to keep Jacob waiting and I was also a little eager to see him.

Jake was my rock so far. He was there from the moment I woke up and he's been such a breath of relief since. From his smile to his patience to his easy-going nature, Jacob Black was exactly what the doctor ordered. It also didn't hurt that he was easy on the eyes...

Okay, Bella, let's focus on remembering what you did last week before getting a love life.

After washing my face and running a brush through my hair, I got changed in my room (a light, taupe sweater and jeans) and headed downstairs to see Jacob. Charlie was there as well, sitting at the table with a bowl of cereal and a glass of orange juice. I was surprised to see that Jacob didn't also have breakfast before him. The kid was like a black hole when it came to food and he was definitely family. It was the norm to see Jake sitting around our table for any meal of the day.

The strength of our short friendship (well, short to me) was surprising. In terms of how far I could remember, we had only been friends for less than a week, but already we were as close as lifelong companions. Jacob had not only been there when I woke up, but he was also there until nurses kicked him out when I was in the hospital and he had been here at the house every day since. He was already the one I turned to for a bit of peace and happiness, or a sense of normalcy because he didn't treat me like I was broken. He never touched on conversations that started with "remember when" or "like that time when we". Jacob was incredibly relaxed about it and I found that to be a real comfort. I didn't know how, but I also knew that I could trust Jake with my life and that there was nothing I couldn't count on him for.

"About time," Jacob said when I reached the kitchen, an easy grin stretching across his face. "I was about to send a search party for you."

I rolled my eyes at Jake's teasing and made my way to the cupboards for a glass. Having retrieved the milk from the fridge, I poured myself a glass and set a slice of bread in the toaster. I turned around to lean against the counter and sip on my milk while I waited for toast. Jake was still watching me. While he put on a much better carefree bravado than Charlie, I could sometimes tell how worried he was beneath the surface. Once satisfied that I could fetch my own breakfast without injuring myself, both he and Charlie seemed to relax a degree further.

"So what're we doing today, kemosabe?" I asked him, earning a playful scowl for my cheek.

"Oh. I figured we could go and see the guys... Y'know... Nothing special..." Jacob replied vaguely. My eyes ticked to Charlie, but he was too engrossed in his cereal at this point to notice Jake's unnatural tone. I raised an eyebrow at Jake as discretely as possible, but he pretended not to notice. Suspicions now raised, I began to really watch him. Jake seemed stressed out today. The muscles in his shoulders and neck were tense and his brow was never far from furrowing. It also explained why he actually wasn't eating us out of house and home right now. Something was clearly wrong. I wanted to weasel it out of him, but even with my faulty memory, I knew better than to address it in front of Charlie. It could wait a few more minutes. The toaster popped out my piece of toast then and I turned to fetch it.

After successfully downing both toast and milk, I rinsed out my glass and set it down in the sink. I turned to him and gestured to the door to indicate that I was ready at any time. He took the hint and started to head toward the porch.

"Alright, Charlie, I'll have Bella back by dinner. See you tonight," he said with his usual smile. Charlie was now rinsing out his own dishes and he looked up and caught Jacob's eye.

"Okay, Jake. Take care of her."

They held eyes for a second before Jacob ducked out of the house. I turned to Charlie next, resisting the urge to roll my eyes; just because I had amnesia didn't mean I was utterly helpless.

"I'll be back tonight," I said. "I'll be fine, don't worry."

"Call me if you need anything," he said firmly.

"I will. I promise."

Separating myself from Charlie always just about required a crowbar these days. I understood his worry, but it wasn't like I'd lost all knowledge of the world around me; I still knew how to keep myself safe. After finally extracting myself from his grasp this morning, I headed out the door and onto the porch. Jacob was already waiting for me in his vehicle, a 1986 Volkswagen Rabbit. Following his lead, I sloshed through the marshy front yard to the vehicle and hopped into the passenger seat. I glanced at him as I closed the door. He was a total one-eighty from how he was in the kitchen only moments before. There was no smile on his face now and he kept his eyes staring out of the windshield. His hands gripped the steering wheel a little hard and his jaw was set in a determined sort of way. Jacob began to back us out of the yard without a word.

"So, are you gonna-"

"Bella, we have to talk," he cut me off. I paused and patiently waited for him to continue. Whatever it was, it was clearly taking a lot for him to say, so I wouldn't rush him. "Listen, I know your doctor said not to push you to remember anything. I get that and I really don't want to stress you out, but there are certain things that you absolutely have to for your safety. Things like me and my friends. Things like the damn Cullens," he spat the name like it tasted bad, "Things like Victoria."

I sat there mutely, listening to him, unable to make heads or tails of what he was telling me. I stared at him with a furrowed brow of confusion, willing myself to understand and not being able to. We had spent almost an entire week together with me getting to know him all over again and I'd never seen this side of him before. He was so serious, so tense. I couldn't fathom what kind of danger he was implying, especially here in tame Forks, but whatever it was, he was legitimately concerned about it. As for the "Cullens" and "Victoria"... Well, I'd never heard of either, although the name "Victoria" did make my hair stand on end.

"I know you don't understand what I'm saying," he snapped, raking a hand across his scalp and sighing with frustration. "Not yet. But we'll show you. Sam gave me the go-ahead. We're going to make sure that you're prepared. As much as you can be, anyway. I'd hoped to keep you out of it, but..." Jake muttered the last sentence as if he regretted having to inform me of... well, whatever it was that he planned to tell me. I waited for him to continue, but he lapsed into silence after that.

"Jake... You're going to have to elaborate if you want me to understand..." I said, trying to be gentle while he was so distraught. He never looked at me, keeping his grim eyes glued to the road.

"No," he replied. "You're going to have to see. We don't have time for you to think we're crazy. Victoria's already on the move again."

There was that name again. What was it about that name that raised goosebumps on my limbs? What was it about that name that made my stomach writhe and my heart feel a little cold? I didn't remember who Victoria was, but whoever she was, she clearly meant serious business. How did I possibly make enemies of such a person in the first place? And here of all places. So many questions bounced around inside my head, but I knew that to get Jake to answer any more, I'd have to see whatever it was that he'd think I wouldn't believe. I dug deep and gathered all of my willpower so that I could get through the rest of the ride to La Push without pestering Jacob for answers. He looked entirely too bothered to poke at the moment. As it was, his body would twitch and jerk slightly the whole way, almost as if his tension was so great that it was threatening to rip from his body.

I tried to busy myself instead with searching for memories. I stared out of the window at the trees that blurred past us. I spent a few minutes trying to scrounge up some inkling of what I did before the accident by thinking of school or students who'd visited me in the hospital, but I didn't have any luck. Of course, I didn't expect to make any great breakthroughs on the trip to Sam's, but it was something to do that wouldn't involve upsetting Jacob further. The furthest I could remember was the dream that I'd had before waking up in the hospital. I was pretty sure the only reason that I even remembered it was because I'd had it every single night since.

In the dream, I'm walking through the woods. Light is filtering in through the breaks in the leaves, so I can see where I'm going. I always keep heading in a very specific direction, like I know exactly where I'm going. I think I get pretty close to it every time, but just before I get to my destination, I see a clearing through the trees and a bronze-haired figure standing in the center; I know that that's where I'm trying to go, but before I can break through the trees, Jacob always appears out of nowhere and grabs my hand. He pulls me away from the clearing, no matter how I struggle with him and beg for him to let me go. In the dream, he's way too strong and he winds up dragging me away. I've never told Jacob about the dream. I don't know why, but I feel like he'd be upset if I told him.

It wasn't long before we pulled up to Sam's. I'd met the imperious Quillayute once when I was in the hospital and we didn't say much. While he was kind and courteous, I felt like there was something about me that he didn't like, like he was judging me for something. The rest of Jacob's friends were completely open, treating me like we'd been lifelong pals. Jacob told me that we all used to hang out before the accident and that we'd gotten pretty close. I didn't doubt that; I could feel the natural camaraderie when I was with them.

After making the long, winding drive down to the old house with the marigolds under the window, Jacob put the Rabbit in park and we hopped out. All of the boys were there waiting for us when we arrived.

"Hey, Bella!" Embry called and the other boys gave a similar gesture of acknowledgment. I returned their hellos. Even with the friendliness, though, I could feel an underlying tone of something wrong. It didn't take a genius to put together that they were all here to help show me whatever it was that Jake was talking about in the car. I found myself looking at each of their eyes, rotating through them, almost nervously. I was nervous, I realized. Whatever this was, it was something important, something life-changing. For a moment, I reached my hand towards Jake's before stopping myself. I wasn't really sure if we really had that kind of relationship and the last thing that I wanted to do was make things weird if we didn't.

"Bella," Sam said, his eyes boring into mine and captivating my attention. I felt the undeniable urge to comply with his dominance. "I want you to know that this was not an easy decision and it's still one that I'm not entirely comfortable with. Before you lost your memory, you knew about us and you kept our secret. I'm inclined to believe that you're still that person and keeping you informed makes you easier to protect. That is the only reason that I'm allowing Jacob to show you what we are. Understand that this is a secret you absolutely must take to the grave. Please appreciate the gravity of this."

I was surprised by the intensity of Sam's words. What kind of secret were they going to show me? And what did they mean by "what we are"? The more they built up to this, the less certain I was beginning to feel. My eyes flickered to Jacob's grave face. His mouth was set in a thin line and his eyes seemed to hold some regret. He nodded to me and, surprisingly, that was enough. While still suffering from butterflies in my stomach, I looked Sam in the eyes and nodded to him.

"I promise," I said. And I meant it. Whatever this was, Jacob was involved in it, so it couldn't be that bad. And even if it was, I would never throw him under the bus.

"Alright," Sam said after a moment of staring me down. He turned to Jacob and crossed his arms over his chest. "Would you like to do the honors?"

"Yeah," Jacob muttered. It was clear that he really didn't, but he would. Jacob took a few steps toward the tree line, bridging the gap easily with his long legs. I took a few steps in that direction myself, believing that I was meant to follow. Embry put an arm out before me, however, and shook his head.

"You're gonna wanna give him some space," he said softly to me. I gave him a quizzical glance, but he gave no explanation.

I turned my eyes to Jacob, who had stopped at the brink of the woods and turned to face us. His face was now in a scowl, his expression black. I was once again struck with the urge to approach him, this time to comfort. Whatever was about to happen, Jacob was clearly unhappy about it. The stress he'd felt in the car must have amplified because he was now shivering with mighty tremors all down his body. Jake stood there for a few minutes, jerking and twitching, muscles drawn tight by his clenched jaw and fists, teeth grit. Then, just like that, I lost my mind.

To me, it looked like Jacob exploded. I was only kind of aware that I had screamed and that Embry was now having to put some effort into holding me back. In my eyes, Jacob had just gone up in a thousand pieces and no one was making any move to try and help the situation. The next second, I began to register that in the place of where my best friend once stood was a larger-than-life wolf. The beast was easily bigger than a bear, its limbs rippling with powerful muscles and each paw tipped with razor-sharp claws. I would hate to see what the inside of its mouth looked like.

No one made any move-personally, I was rooted to the spot by shock and fear-and neither did the canine. It simply stood there, russet fur beginning to dampen with the light rain, brown eyes focused on me. I was terrified by the eye-contact, recalling somewhere that it was seen as a challenge to animals to look them in the eyes, until I realized that it wasn't just looking at me, but into my eyes. The deep brown eyes of the wolf were calm and expectant, almost like it knew me, and the more I looked into them, the more I felt that I knew them. In one wild moment, I thought to myself that this beast had to be Jacob. I furrowed my brow and turned to look at the boys who stood there as relaxed as the moment Jake and I had pulled up in the Rabbit.

"What's going on?" I asked. My voice was shaking with the shock and emotion of the moment, but I was far from caring. "What happened to Jacob?"

For some reason, I had the feeling that I wouldn't get my answers from any of the younger boys. My eyes shifted to Sam's face, waiting for him to reply. The older Quillayute regarded me for what felt like forever, as if sizing up my reaction before choosing what to say. Impatience and panic got the better of me and my temper flared.

"Where the hell is Jake?" I demanded a little louder.

"You're looking at him," Sam replied simply, indicating the wolf.


	2. Chapter 2: Werewolves of La Push

**Chapter Two**

 **Werewolves of La Push**

 _Well, I know a thing about contrition,_

 _Because I got enough to spare._

 _And I'll be granting your permission,_

 _'Cause you haven't got a prayer._

 _Well I said hey, hey hallelujah,_

 _I'm gonna come on sing the praise._

 _And let the spirit come on through ya,_

 _We got innocence for days!_

-My Chemical Romance, "House of Wolves

It was probably the most terrifying day of my life. Not that there was much security in any of the other days since my friends and I made the transition to becoming wolves. It had only been a short while since I'd become a wolf, myself, but it was beginning to feel much longer. The curse-or "gift", as Sam likes to see it-was starting to become natural to me, much to my dismay. I mean, don't get me wrong, the pack is great and there are a few perks to this deal, but I find myself often wishing that I could go back to being normal and oblivious to this kind of stuff. I wondered if there would ever be a day when I could just relax and not spend my spare time hunting for red-headed leeches in the woods. Maybe it wouldn't be as bad to me if the little bitch wasn't after Bella.

That day, we'd been after the blood-sucker, Victoria. Bella had seemed down lately, so I had promised her that I'd take her cliff-diving. I never would've pegged her for a thrill-seeker, but she'd more than proven herself in the months we'd spent together. Sometimes, she even worried me a little bit. We weren't supposed to be hunting that day, but the ginger had reared her ugly head and was heading toward the mountains; Sam was certain that we'd corner her if we hurried. I just wanted the nightmare to be over, so I followed Sam, figuring that I'd catch up with Bella later. I never imagined that she'd jump without me.

The woods had been eerily quiet the further toward the mountains we'd gotten. It was the kind of quiet that suggested a natural disaster was about to strike. Sam could sense my nerves and turned his large, black head to look at me, a gesture that I think was meant to be reassuring. The woods smelled wet, the earth made pungent and the air made a little thick with moisture. We were cautious now, moving slowly through the trees rather than running to reach our destination. Wherever she was, she was close. Thunder rumbled overhead, adding to the ominous feel of the still forest. I was beginning to feel edgy and hunted for the leech more earnestly; Sam must've felt the same, because his eyes began to scan quicker and his stride opened up. I was just about to pick up the pace, myself, when I saw a flash of red hair flit across my line of sight. Both my and Sam's ears pricked up and our heads whipped in her direction of travel. If there had been any doubt of what exactly it was that moved that quickly, the sickeningly sweet scent of a bloodsucker confirmed it for us.

After her, Sam thought at me, the muscles in his haunches coiling before exploding him forward after the leech. I was right on Sam's heels in an instant, my eyes struggling to keep the red of her hair in my sights as she flashed in and out between the trees.

There was no telling how far we chased her. At some point, I began to worry that we'd lose her, but we always seemed to find her again whether by sight or scent. For a bloodsucker, she was kind of clumsy; if there was anything in her path that could possibly cling to her scent, she brushed against it, leaving a solid trail to her everywhere she went. From what Sam said, her behavior or lack of awareness was pretty unusual. According to him, the leeches were sneaky and cunning and very hard to track if they were trying to be discrete. I little tingle of suspicion rose in the back of my mind, but Sam and I ignored it for now. That was, until we got to the mountains and found that our target had completely vanished.

Sam growled with frustration, his head whipping back and forth, looking for her. I immediately set my nose to the air, sure that she'd left some sort of unwitting trail to follow. After a few moments, though, I had to admit defeat; her scent was everywhere and it was impossible to glean a lead from it. It was almost as if she'd rubbed up against every piece of foliage in this clearing. Even stepping into the tree line again did no good. My nose was beginning to burn with the icy scent and I rubbed at it with my paws, a whine escaping my throat.

 _Damnit, she played us!_ Sam snarled. It was one of the very few times I'd ever seen our pack leader lose his temper.

After my short stint of thinking that Sam was Satan incarnate, I'd come to actually really respect him. While he would've been pack leader anyway because he was the first of our generation to change, I could honestly see us voting for him to be leader if it hadn't been that way. Sam was the oldest and mature beyond his years. He'd had his time to suffer through this mysterious power with no one else to confide in but our parents and grandparents, who weren't actually going through the same thing. So, Sam had done the whole "lone wolf" thing in the most literal sense; he could appreciate having a pack now. He was patient and fair when I'm sure he didn't really want to be with us, but he also left no question as to who was the Alpha. Considering he was so young, his amount of self-control was highly impressive. Of course, that self-control had come at a heavy price. Honestly, I wasn't sure if I was more impressed by Sam's discipline or Emily's devotion. At any rate, Sam was definitely the leader that we needed and we were lucky to have him. While I'd never say something so lame out loud, I kind of wanted to be more like him when I got older.

 _She was jerking us around,_ Sam thought at me, knowing that I'd already come to the same conclusion. _Clearly, this was a diversion. We need to get back to La Push. She's probably after Bella._

My heart stopped for a second. Panic was beginning to set in. We had to get back to La Push before the bloodsucker did. I would never forgive myself if anything ever happened to Bella. The idea brought on unbidden images flashing across my eyes like a waking nightmare. The image of Victoria bearing down on defenseless Bella, Victoria's sharp and grotesque fangs piercing the soft flesh of Bella's neck, Bella's beautiful brown eyes vacant and dead or-much worse-crimson and evil. Sam growled at me to get a grip.

 _There's no time for that! Let's go!_ Sam ordered. He didn't need to tell me twice.

It was as we made it back to First Beach that I heard Bella's scream. Wild-eyed, I whipped in the direction of her voice and saw her plummeting from the cliff into the water. I couldn't believe my eyes. As I began running on two human legs, having changed back before reaching civilization, my eyes quickly checked the top of the cliff for any sign of someone having pushed her in. There was no one. Surely she wouldn't have jumped, though. Surely, Bella wouldn't have been that stupid. I told her to wait for me. It wasn't like she was suicidal, so of course she would've waited for me. The second my bare feet hit sand, I was already stripping off my shirt and shorts. I could hear Sam and the others yelling after me in the distance, but I didn't stop.

A short gasp escaped me as my ankles submerged into icy water and my heart squeezed further with fear. It was so cold. There was no way Bella could swim in this for long. She would go numb. Somehow, I managed to push myself faster until I could dive into the water and swim. Up ahead, I could still see her. She was struggling to keep her head above water, but she was still doing well. I ducked my head for a minute to push myself further toward her. The waves were undulating madly in storm that had already begun. The sky looked angry and full of malice as it sent cold rain pouring down. Why the hell would she jump in this? I looked up again and was panicked when I didn't see her head anymore. I tried calling her name, but got cut off by water filling my mouth. I spat it quickly and began searching again. No good. She was nowhere to be seen. With a deep breath, I ducked under water and forced my eyes to remain open as I searched.

It took me a moment, but I eventually saw her pale outline beginning to fade away into the dark gloom of the water. With a hard kick, I swam down to her, using my long limbs to propel me along. I somehow managed to grab her wrist and jerk her towards me. Oddly, I felt a hard resistance, like something was holding her down there, but a second jerk brought her free of it and to my side. Her eyes were closed and she wasn't reacting to me, so she was clearly unconscious. Acting quickly, I brought us to the surface. When I didn't hear Bella immediately take a breath, I began to panic and swam us to shore as quickly as I could.

Once on land, I laid Bella on the sand as easily as I could in my haste before beginning to administer my very limited understanding of CPR. It was as I was pushing on her chest that I noticed the huge gash on her forehead.

"Oh, God," I remember saying. "Oh, God, Bella, come on. Breathe!"

I could hear running behind me. I didn't have to turn to tell that it was Sam.

"Oh, shit. Jacob, I have to call an ambulance," he said. I nodded to indicate that I'd heard him, but I didn't let up on pumping her to get the water out.

"Breathe!" I hissed again. "Breathe, Bella! Come on!"

It was on my sixth pump or so that I wondered if I was supposed to perform mouth-to-mouth. I knew that it was a part of CPR, but I didn't know how often I was supposed to do that. Absurdly, I felt my face get hot at the idea of putting my lips on Bella's. _Jesus, Jacob, get a grip!_ I admonished myself. Everyone knew that I was head-over-heels for Bella, probably even Bella, but now was not the time to be worrying about that. It wouldn't be a kiss, it'd be blowing air into her lungs. Steeling myself, I took a breath and prepared to give her the "kiss of life" when she coughed hard and water began to spew from her mouth and nose.

"Oh, thank God!" I gasped as she began to turn herself on her side. I helped her do so, not wanting her to choke again on the water she was regurgitating. "Bella! Bella, are you okay?"

She didn't answer me for a long time. Once she had coughed up all that she could, I could hear the ambulance's sirens screaming from a relatively close distance. I kept pestering her, calling her name and trying to get her to look at me, but her eyes were all over and fluttering like crazy, almost as if she was trying to take everything in but was too exhausted to keep her eyes open for long. For some reason, that frightened me.

"Bella, answer me! Are you okay?" I asked her one more time. Finally, I got her to look at me. I remembered the image I'd envisioned of Bella's eyes vacant and dead; while not dead, her eyes were definitely vacant when she met my eyes. Her brow furrowed slightly with confusion and her lips quivered like she didn't really know what she wanted to say.

The para-medics took her away and secured her in the back of the ambulance before I could get her to say one word, but I was calmed somewhat by the fact that she had the ability to look at me and try to respond. I insisted on riding with Bella, this time remaining silent the entire ride. I took the opportunity to call Charlie and let him know what had happened, even though it terrified me to do. What if he blamed me? So far as he knows, she comes to La Push to see me. What could I tell Charlie that could possibly justify taking his one and only child to do such a dangerous activity such as cliff-diving? Much less unsupervised? Fortunately, he didn't ask for specifics over the phone. That would come later.

At the hospital, it was a blur of bodies throwing around medical jargon. I tried to keep up, but they wouldn't allow me everywhere with her and the speed at which the doctors moved made me a little dizzy. I wound up having to sit it out in the waiting room while they looked at her. It was probably the most agonizing time I'd ever spent. My mind kept torturing me, telling me that she might die, that she might have permanent brain damage and be a vegetable now. A darker part of me told myself that at least that way she wouldn't continue to endanger herself by associating with leeches. I felt a terrible pang of guilt in my heart as soon as I thought it.

When Charlie came in, I stiffened, waiting for the demanding questions of how his daughter got into that situation. Instead, he came forward and hugged me.

"Thank you," he mumbled as he hugged me, his voice thick with emotion. "You saved my daughter's life. If you hadn't been there..."

He stopped talking for a moment, not daring to finish that sentence. If I hadn't been there, she would've died. But if I had been there, she would be awake and fine right now...

"Why would she do this? Why would she jump off a cliff?" Charlie asked, searching my eyes for the answer. I could tell he didn't expect me to know the answer, but I couldn't really meet his eyes when he asked. Instead, I found my father rolling in behind him with a knowing look on his face. He must have made up a story for where I'd been and told Charlie as much truth as he could. It seemed like Dad was doing things like that a lot now. He said it was part of his duty to his tribe, but a big part of me felt like he wouldn't have gone this far if it wasn't his son on the line.

"It's a fun activity with me and my friends on the reservation, Charlie," I told him, trying to soothe his suspicions that Bella was suicidal. "She saw us cliff-diving once and she said she wanted to do it. I didn't think she'd do it alone, though..."

Charlie looked at me with utter confusion in his eyes, as if what I was telling him went against some law of nature.

"Bella's not that kind of person, Jacob," Charlie told me, as if it changed the facts of what happened. "She's not a risk-taker. She can't even walk down the stairs without a hand on the railing. Why on earth would she want to do something like..."

All at once, Charlie seemed to get a look of dawning comprehension. Ice coated my gut. Did he figure it out? Does he realize that it must somehow be my fault? That I'd been indulging her wild side for months now? The police chief's eyes narrowed into a bitter scowl.

"That damn Cullen boy," Charlie muttered darkly.

Cullen? I thought blankly for a moment. Surely the one Bella used to date. Edward, or whatever. But what did he have to do with all of this? My mind was drawing a blank until it all started to click. I had heard plenty of how broken Bella had been with the Cullens had left. Hell, half the reservation had been out looking for her when she'd gone catatonic in the woods. Sam had been the one to find her and he sometimes still mentioned how dead she looked, how the only thing she'd say was that "he's gone". Nobody saw her for months. Then she randomly came by with a couple of motorcycles for me to fix up. That was it. Adrenaline rushes were the only things keeping her from sinking right back into depression and I was the one who could help her achieve them. Immediately, I was hurt. Bella had used me to keep herself afloat. She was never interested in me, but the bikes that I could fix for her. But then, she didn't leave right after we were done with the bikes. She didn't abandon me. She tried to help me when she thought that I was getting involved in a gang with Sam and the others. She called for weeks without me answering her when I had my change and she refused to leave me alone even after I tried to shove her away. Bigger yet, she never told my secret to anyone and it didn't turn her away from me, even knowing that I was meant to hunt things like her precious bloodsuckers. Whatever Bella's original intent when she came to see me that day with a couple of junked up bikes, it was clear that she was here for more than that now.

So then why did she jump?

I began to recall the sadness still lingering in Bella's eyes, the haunted look that never really left. Was it all too much? Did she intend to try and kill herself to escape the lingering feelings of pain over the leech that had dumped her? I could feel rage begin to seep into my veins the more I thought of it, so I turned away from the idea. I couldn't make any assumptions. Maybe there was a good, totally unrelated reason behind it. I would just have to ask her when she woke up. Which she would. And she would be fine. I had to keep telling myself that.

Wouldn't it just be typical that when Bella woke up, she couldn't remember a thing? At all. Period. Seriously, I feel like we're in a really crappy episode of "Days of Our Lives".

Balancing an amnesiac Bella with searching for Victoria was a little exhausting. At the time, Sam didn't want to remind her of us and what we were and I definitely agreed with him. If I could, I'd forget all of this crap existed, too, and get a good night's sleep for the first time in several months. That, and I was secretly afraid that if she remembered what we were, she'd remember the Cullens, too. My hatred of the filthy leeches aside, they were the same Cullens who had devastated Bella and ruined her life by leaving her. I mean, I knew that they were inhuman freaks, but even I didn't think they were that cruel. Besides, who knew if Bella would even react to us the same way that she did before? At least when she found out that we were werewolves, she'd already known that vampires existed. It was no wonder she didn't freak out about us when she not only knew about the leeches but was content to date one. It was as difficult as it was before to be keeping secrets from Bella, but I was certain that this was the right thing to do.

However, Sam began to have a change of heart a few days in. It was late one evening, perhaps two in the morning, and it had actually held off on the rain tonight. We had tracked Victoria down a little ways outside of Forks and had tried chasing her back further, but she shook us and managed to get within a mile of Bella's house before we could scare her away again. With such a close call, we made sure to pass by her home in order to check up on her. Once there, we found her window wide open to let in the pleasant breeze. Of course a window wouldn't have stopped Victoria from getting in, but pre-accident Bella would have had the window shut so that she could at least have a chance of hearing someone sneak into her room. I could see the possibilities of Bella walking into the woods on her own and running into Victoria play through Sam's mind over and over. I tried to argue with him, to tell him that I would stay on Bella as long as Victoria was out there, but he forbade it. If I was constantly with Bella, that would leave other perimeters vulnerable and limit their man (or wolf) power. As much as I didn't want to admit it, he was right. A vulnerable Bella made her way harder to take care of. We couldn't always be on her to make sure she was safe.

Sam advised that we not tell Bella about her intimate relations with vampires and I also agreed. He said that her friendship with them was unnatural and dangerous and that it would be better for her if she forget that willingness to be around them. When thinking about it too much, I began to feel like Sam was asking me to lie to Bella about her past rather than omit certain truths. I tried to ignore that feeling when it reared its ugly head. It wasn't like I was taking advantage of her amnesia to brainwash her; I was just trying to instill a sense of self-preservation in Bella that seemed to be missing.

And that was how we got where we were today, with me standing before a previously-oblivious Bella in my wolf form as she struggled to grasp the impossible.

Slowly, so as not to freak her out, I backed into the tree line so that I could change back and clothe myself. I told Paul to leave some clothes back there so I could get dressed after and he swore that he would. As I shifted back into my normal self, I could hear Bella's voice still shaking and Sam's steady, calm responses. I felt a weight in my chest. What if she didn't accept this like she did before she lost her memory? What if she looked at me like a monster when I came out? I heaved a deep sigh. What was done was done and there was no undoing this. The best I could hope for was that she got her memories back and then we could return to being friends, if worse came to worst. I began to search for the clothes Paul left. I eventually found them behind a tree a few feet over. I pulled on the jeans and shirt before coming back out of the woods.

It took me a second to be able to meet Bella's eyes, but when I did, I saw relief there. She had been worried about me and she was relieved to see me safe. I couldn't help the wide grin spreading across my face. Elation flew through my system, making me feel light and giddy.

"Hey, Bells," I said a little sheepishly. "Enjoy the show?"

I was surprised further when she ducked under Embry's arm and raced toward me. I'm sure the impact hurt her more than it did me, but she never complained as she squeezed me tight. It was the first hug we'd shared since before the accident. I hugged her back just as tightly until she complained that she couldn't breathe. She backed up and craned her neck back at me, her eyes expressing confusion and vulnerability.

"It's gonna be okay," I told her. "I promise. We'll explain everything."

She nodded slowly at me, showing resolve.

"I trust you, Jake. Whatever you say is good enough for me," she replied.


	3. Chapter 3: Hunted

**Chapter Three**

 **Hunted**

 _Sitting on the bed_

 _Or lying wide awake_

 _There's demons in my head_

 _And it's more than I can take_

-The Offspring, "Gotta Get Away"

That afternoon was probably the most disorienting day of my life. I say "probably" because I guess I don't really know for sure, but what are the chances? After Jacob's little display, he suggested that we split up from the rest of the guys and talk one on one. He said it would probably be easier on me if there were fewer eyes and voices in the conversation. I really couldn't argue with that logic and I was grateful that he knew me so well. I gladly followed him to the Rabbit, waving goodbye to the rest of the... well, I suppose pack would be the appropriate word. They remained there for a little while, watching us get into Jacob's vehicle and start up the engine. I regarded them all now with different eyes. It was hard to visualize them as vicious, giant wolves. I'd known them for a few short days, but in that time, they seemed like just a bunch of immature, goofy guys. The idea that they could shift into anything menacing or terrifying was almost laughable, but I would've said the same thing about Jacob only fifteen minutes before.

I looked up at him now as we began to turn around to leave down Sam's drive. The same dark cloud that stretched across his features this morning and turned them sour was gone, leaving the same Jake that I was now becoming very familiar with. His lips held the ghost of a smile on his face and his eyes were bright and clear, no longer plagued by the obligation of showing me something that he feared would run me off. I could tell that Jacob had expected me to go screaming for the hills the second he returned in his human form from the woods. While I knew that I would be perfectly justified in that response, that it was the "normal" reaction to have in such a situation, it wasn't within my nature to do so. In the end, it was still Jacob, and Jacob would never hurt anyone without just cause. Jake must've felt my eyes on him, because he turned to look at me. The instant our eyes met, both of us looked away nervously. Okay, so it wasn't without its awkwardness.

"So," I said nonchalantly. "Werewolves."

"Yup," Jacob said with a nod, his eyes trained on the road.

A silence filled the car as both of us scrambled for something to say. I was relieved when he spoke up first.

"I don't suppose that made you remember anything?" he asked me slowly. I furrowed my brow in confusion.

"Why would it?" I asked.

"I'll take that as a no," he replied with a wry smile. It clicked and my mouth popped slightly open.

"You mean I knew about this before?" I asked him, bewildered. How did I react to it the first time, I wondered. The realization that I had known about something so out of this world and was currently incapable of remembering it gave me chills. How could I forget something like this?

"Yeah," Jake replied. A dark undertone colored his voice as he continued. "You knew about the Cullens first, though. I guess it made it easier for you to accept when you found out about me."

Cullens. For some reason, my stomach squirmed when he said that name now, which was weird since it hadn't fazed me the first time he'd said it on the way to Sam's. I thought of the possibility that my memory may be returning, but I squashed the thought quickly. No sense getting my hopes up, after all. Besides, it was probably just because of the way Jacob said it. I couldn't recall ever hearing him say a name with so much coldness before. His voice dripped with revulsion and his limbs began to tremble again when he mentioned them. I wasn't sure I wanted to make him talk about something so uncomfortable, but it sounded like I was meant to ask about it.

"Who... are the Cullens?" I asked hesitantly. I could feel myself grow tense, as if bracing for an ugly truth. Even Jake took a moment to speak. From his expression, it looked as if he wasn't sure whether or not he wanted to tell me. I was about to ask him to tell me again, but he seemed to find the stomach to do so and began speaking, his tone hard.

"The Cullens are what my ancestors called the 'cold ones'," Jacob said.

"What are the 'cold ones'?" I asked.

Jacob took another pause. It didn't seem as if he were unsure of whether to tell me so much as how to tell me. I gave him time to compose his thoughts.

"The cold ones are what most people today call vampires," he finally replied. My eyes widened, but I didn't interrupt. "The Cullens came here before there was ever a Forks or a Washington. They came here when my people still called the whole territory home. I've actually told you this story before. You asked me about it once, way before your accident and before I changed. Back then, even I didn't believe in it. I thought it was just some old wives' tale my dad would tell me to keep me from doing drugs or something."

"Why did I ask you about the story?" I queried.

The Rabbit pulled to a stop. I looked out the windshield to take in our location. I had completely forgotten that we were in a moving car. Before me, the waves lapped away at First Beach lazily. I looked out on the grey water, feeling somber. Here's where it happened, the place that witnessed my utter stupidity. Again I wondered why I did it, why I jumped in the first place.

"Because you were being hunted by them," Jacob said, breaking me out of my thoughts. My head turned mechanically to him, my brain still struggling to catch up to what he was telling me.

"Wh-what?" I stammered.

"You were being hunted by the Cullens," he repeated for me. "At least one of them, anyway. It was one of the younger males, Edward."

My heart stopped and my stomach writhed again at the name. _Edward_. Yes, that name was familiar and clearly felt unpleasant to the ears.

"He was _hunting_ me?" I asked for clarification, still not wanting to believe that I was ever in that kind of danger. "How did I know?"

"You didn't. Not at first. It wasn't until later, about six months ago," Jacob answered. "At first, you thought he was in love with you. He strung you along for over a year. Whether his family was in on it or not, I don't really know, but about half a year ago, he tried to bite you. When you refused to let him, he attacked you, but you got away. I don't know how you did it, but you managed to make it home and tell Charlie that he'd tried to hurt you. I think you implied that it was something about sex rather than him being a hungry vampire out for your blood. Anyway, I guess he told my dad about it and my dad told Sam because after that, the Cullens left. There's this treaty that they agreed to when they came here that says they can't try to bite a human being or they have to leave. Up until then, everything was pretty quiet, but it was only a matter of time. Their kind can't live among humans for long."

I sat there in the passenger seat, staring at the waves. I couldn't quite wrap my head around what Jacob was telling me. Vampires tried to kill me? Not only that, but I used to date one? One that had made me think he loved me. A vampire had lied to me and told me that he loved me to get close to me just so that he could sink his teeth into me and drain me dry. If he'd actually loved me, he would've tried to make me one of them, right? Hell, why was I even thinking like this? So what if he loved me or not? Why would I ever want to be one of _them_? The idea of being a slave to my own thirst, incapable of compassion or morality because of it, was repulsive to me. Vampire, Cullen, Edward. All of these words now felt repulsive to me. Another word popped into my head.

"So... who's Victoria?" I asked, not sure if I even wanted to know at this point. From the way Jacob's eyes narrowed, I was pretty sure that I was right.

"A red-headed leech," he spat venomously. "She's been trying to break our defenses for a few weeks now, trying to get at you. We haven't been able to catch her yet, but we will."

I could feel the bottom of my stomach fall out. Another vampire was hunting me, still actively hunting me. What the hell kind of life had I lead before the accident?

"Why is _she_ hunting me?" I asked, my tone almost exasperated.

"You told me it was because that Cullen leech killed her mate," he said. "Apparently her mate had tried to take a bite out of you first and your bloodsucker didn't really like that, so he killed him. Now the red-head wants revenge."

"'Revenge'? How is getting to me revenge? I didn't kill her," I demanded, almost as if making a logical defense to Jacob would change this Victoria's mind.

"He took something precious from her, so she wants to take something precious from him," Jacob replied shortly, shrugging his shoulders. It sounded like he didn't want to talk about it. I frowned and looked at the cloudy sky. How had I even survived this long? Had my life always been at risk like this? So many questions, so few answers. I sighed deeply and my chest felt a little lighter for it. For the first time since we'd left Sam's, Jacob turned to look at me. His eyes were lighter now and full of concern. His large hand encompassed mine, heating it immediately. My heart fluttered a little as he squeezed my hand.

"Don't worry, Bells," he said soothingly. "I'm not going to let anything hurt you. I promise."

Emotion made my heart swell and clog my throat. I knew that it was nuts to have already developed a crush after only a few days, but something about Jacob just felt so right. From the moment I woke up to see him dozing in the chair beside me, my hand in his, I'd known that he was something very special to me. Ever since the accident, he'd always been right there with me, helping to take my mind off of my worries and recover emotionally. How could I not have already fallen for him? I began to allow my thoughts to wander on the topic.

 _Maybe I don't have to wait for my memories to come back,_ I thought _, It's not like I'll forget my feelings about him when they do. Why not start something that's clearly meant to be?_

I just hoped he felt the same.

"Listen, Jake-"

A banging on the car window made me jump clean out of my skin. Jacob jumped a little too and turned to face his window. He seemed a little annoyed when he saw that it was Quil, but he rolled the glass down nevertheless.

"Dude, what?" Jacob demanded. I noticed that easy-going, joker Quil was wild-eyed and nervous-looking. I immediately began to feel uneasy.

"Man, they're back," Quil blurted out. "Sam, Paul, and Jared were making their rounds and Paul came back to Emily's yelling about how they're back."

Dread began to seep into my bloodstream and make me feel heavy.

" _Who's_ back, Quil?" Jacob asked, still clearly irritated. Quil's eyes slid to me for a second before answering him, instantly cluing me in to who had returned before he even said it.

" _The Cullens_."

Ice began to coat my lungs, making it hard to breathe. I could actually feel my pupils contract with fear. The Cullens were here? Now? I had only just learned about them. What was I going to do? What even stopped them? Garlic? A wooden stake? Did we even own any crucifixes? I cursed Charlie for not being more religious. The sound of Jacob swearing came from far away in the driver's seat as I began to panic. I was only kind of aware of him turning toward the steering wheel and turning the car on.

"I'm taking you home, Bella. We'll go and meet with the Cullens," he said, immediately taking charge. I hadn't even noticed Quil take off. Jacob put the Rabbit into reverse and began pulling out of the beach parking lot. I turned to look at him, feeling about ten shades paler than I normally was. I could probably glow in the dark right about now.

"What? No, Jake. There's no way I'm going to let you or the guys meet with those monsters alone," I objected. Jacob scoffed, the sound harsh to my ears.

"And what exactly could you do to help, Bella?" he said, his voice full of condescension. I flinched away from him, my eyes wide with hurt. Almost as soon as the words were out, I could see the regret in his warm, brown eyes. His large hand reached out to capture mine again. "I'm so sorry, Bella," he said earnestly, his eyes wide and vulnerable, "I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean to sound like that. I just don't even want to think about you being around them right now. Please, just listen to me. Just stay inside and don't come out until I come back for you, okay? Can you do that for me?"

It took me a moment to answer. I understood what Jacob was saying, but I was still a little hurt by what he said. Sure, I didn't have supernatural powers, but I didn't think that I was useless in Jacob's eyes. _You're being overly sensitive, Bella. Get over it_ , I told myself.

"Yeah, sure," I told him. "I can do that. Just... Jacob, just be careful, okay?"

"I will," he promised.

Before I knew it, we were pulling up to the house. Charlie's cruiser was gone, but that was only normal for a Saturday around noon. He probably wouldn't be back for another five hours at least. What wasn't normal was the shiny, black Mercedes. My brow furrowed in confusion at the sight. Jacob grew tense all at once, his eyes darting around the yard.

"Were you expecting someone today?" he asked, but I could tell he already knew the answer to that.

"No," I replied, my voice hoarse and almost a squeak from my tight throat. I heard a very inhuman growl in response coming from the driver's seat. Shivers began to work their way up and down my body as we pulled up behind the shiny vehicle. Once we pulled to a stop, the doors to the driver and passenger side of the sports car opened and two impossibly gorgeous people stepped out.

The first one, the driver, was a petite female and the other, the passenger, was a male with bronze-colored hair. They looked like air-brushed models on the cover of a magazine. Jacob didn't have to say a word for me to know that these inhumanly beautiful creatures were the vampires. It just made sense. What better way to draw in prey than to have looks like that? The only thing that could possibly be perceived as a flaw on them was perhaps the purple bags hanging underneath their eyes. As I examined their faces, I noticed that both looked very cold and grim. I wondered how I was ever confident enough to date one of these intimidating things. They must be very adept actors as well. I glanced nervously to Jacob, inquiring with my eyes what we should do. He glared out of the windshield at them as they turned to face us, his hands shaking like crazy.

"Stay behind me," he said, his voice barely audible. "If anything happens, get in the car and drive as fast as you can back to La Push."

"I'm not leaving you, Jake," I said fiercely. Instead of the irritation I was expecting at my defiance, I watched as his shoulders squared with further tension and his teeth clenched. I followed his eyes quickly back toward the Mercedes and noticed that the once-somber couple was frozen, more still than any statue, their wide eyes locked onto me. I could feel myself recoil further into the passenger seat. Why were they staring at me like that? They looked like they'd seen a ghost.

"Come on," Jacob muttered, opening up his door. I hesitated for only a second before following suit and exiting the vehicle. Both sets of eyes watched me as I rose from the car and closed the door. I could feel color rise in my cheeks and I had the terrible urge to fidget under their gaze. Jacob made his way around the hood of the Rabbit until he stood between them and me.

"B... Bella?" I heard the bronze-haired boy ask. His voice was like soft, luxurious velvet, even when it sounded weak like it did now. For some reason, his voice made my heart hurt and I visibly flinched. He made a fast-impossibly fast-step toward me, but Jake was ready for it. He took a step back towards me, his arms wide and defensive. I grabbed onto his hoodie on either side of his torso, peeking around him like a shy two-year-old hiding behind their mother's skirt. For some reason, the boy looked stricken by my reaction. I chanced a glance at the petite girl and noticed how her eyes shifted between Jake and I, as if trying to solve a puzzle.

"Bella?" she finally asked, her voice light and clear, like a flute. She, too, took a tentative step in our direction, but it was clear that she was testing our reactions. Regardless, it more or less the same. I gripped Jake's top tighter and gazed at her reproachfully while Jake planted his feet and tensed in preparation. Her black eyes shifted to Jacob's face, sharp and frosty, while her nose wrinkled, like she smelled something unpleasant. "What did you do to her, dog?"

"Me?" Jacob spat in outrage, the tremors running through his body growing in severity. "I didn't do anything. Why don't you ask your leech brother?"

"Get away from him," the bronze-haired boy said to me, his voice strained. His own black eyes were watching Jacob carefully, not missing a single movement. My brows furrowed at him, wondering where he got off telling me what to do. The way he spoke left no doubt that he expected me to obey. When I didn't, he looked to me, his brows drawn low with something close to frustration or confusion. "Bella, please. He's not in control. You're not safe."

"I'll take my chances, thanks," I said as coolly as I could manage, not budging from my spot behind Jacob. The shaking in him seemed to ease at my response. It wasn't possible to misread the vampire's expression this time: he was clearly wounded by my response. It was a shock that I even caught it, however. In almost the same second, the boy looked furious with me and shrunk behind Jacob a little further.

"Really, Bella!" he growled. "Now is not the time for you stubbornness. You are not safe near him. He could lose control at any moment!"

I could feel my temper flare at his tone. I didn't know who he thought he was, but I was about done with him ordering me around. I stopped hiding behind Jacob; I straightened my back and squared my shoulders.

"I believe I said I'll take my chances," I snapped. Now the boy looked baffled, as if at a loss for words. The shaking was all but gone from Jacob's body now and he let his arms lower to his sides.

"You heard her, bloodsuckers," he snarled at them. "Now why don't you go back to wherever the hell you came from? We've got things covered here. And that includes Bella."

The next chain of events happened so quickly that it was hard to keep track. Jacob had just finished speaking when the bronze-haired boy's eyes snapped to Jake's. His expression looked surprised and absolutely murderous. With something that sounded like a hiss, the boy launched himself impossibly fast at Jacob, who felt like he braced himself for the blow. Just as fast, the black-haired girl flew in front of the boy and held him back. The impact of the boy on the girl made a cracking sound like a baseball bat hitting a home-run. Even though I was incredibly late by comparison to the lightning speed of everyone else, I flung myself around Jacob and tried to shield him from the two vampires, my back to Jacob and my hands out to make a futile attempt at fending off the would-be attackers.

" _You son of a bitch!_ " the boy snarled, his eyes wild with hatred and fury. The petite girl was still holding him back, her arms encircling him and her feet rooted into the dirt like an old oak tree. " _How dare you?!_ "

Jacob was already pulling me behind him again and I didn't struggle. I was a little preoccupied by the boy's furious outburst. Why was he speaking to Jacob like this? What could Jacob have possibly done in the past few minutes to warrant such vehemence?

"Like I said, we've got things covered here. Including Bella," Jacob repeatedly, his tone dripping poison. "Now leave. You no longer have any business here, treaty or no treaty."

"I'm not leaving you to poison her with your delusions," the boy hissed, his tone still deadly. The girl gave another sharp look at Jacob over her shoulder. I got the impression that even she didn't understand what the two were fighting about at the moment.

"I won't let you hurt her anymore," Jacob replied, matching the boy's tone. "I was there to deal with the aftermath and you weren't, by your own choice. She's better off this way."

And all at once it clicked. This wasn't just any Cullen before me. This was Edward. My eyes widened as I gazed at the vampire who had apparently broken my heart and tried to kill me all in one night. This was the boy who had used me and tried to take everything from me. Hatred began to bubble up within me and tears sprang into my eyes as I glared at him. I stepped out from behind Jacob and grabbed his hand, squeezing it tight. A look of pain that I didn't understand seemed to flit across Edward's eyes.

"I'm not yours anymore, Edward," I spat at him. "I made that mistake once. It won't happen again. Not with Jacob here." I could feel Jacob's hand squeezing mine back and my heart fluttered again.

"Bella, you don't know what you're talking about," Edward said, his words sounding more like a moan than a statement. Anger rose up again and I narrowed my eyes at him.

"I'm pretty sure I've already said twice that I'll take my chances," I hissed. "I trust Jake. Now go away."

His eyes seemed to go dead then and I had a strange feeling that I'd seen that expression before, in the woods surrounding my house. I blinked the sensation away and went back to glaring at Edward. The girl whose name I still did not know was still clearly analyzing the situation and, rather than get involved, she seemed to be thinking on it. I wondered what was going on in her head to make her so pensive.

"Is that really what you want?" Edward asked me, the fight now absent from his tone.

Absurdly, I felt my resolution falter. Something in me broke and considered telling him no. I fiercely shoved the thought away and steeled myself.

"Yes," I affirmed stonily. He stared at me for a moment longer, no longer fighting the girl. Then, he turned to head back to their car.

"Let's go, Alice," he said to her, his voice sounding old and tired.

The girl, Alice, spent her own time looking at the two of us and our joined hands before turning to the car herself and getting into the driver's seat.

We watched them turn around in the yard and head toward the highway and out of sight. My heart was still pounding with the intensity of the conversation. It took a moment for me to relax, as if I thought they'd come crashing through the woods, all screaming tires and insane bloodlust. And still, in some small part of my heart, I felt empty, as if I wanted to call them back here. I tried to ignore that insanity.

For a few moments, we just stood there, watching the road and saying nothing, hands still laced together. Eventually, Jacob looked down at me and I looked up at him. My insides were topsy-turvy from the unexpected interaction, but when I looked at his face, my stomach seemed to purr with contentment. He lifted his free hand and ran his warm fingertips along my cheek, leaving a trail of heat on my skin.

"Are you okay?" he asked me, his voice soft now. I looked into his big brown eyes and smiled.

"Yeah, I'm okay," I replied. A grin began to spread across his face as well and we stood there for a little while longer, still saying nothing. "You hungry?" I asked, sure that he was.

"Starving," he replied with some amusement. I rolled my eyes and smiled wider.

"Alright, let's head inside. We have leftover enchiladas from last night. I need to get started on dinner for tonight, anyway," I said, turning toward the house and leading Jacob toward the front door.

"Awesome," he said with enthusiasm. "What're having?"


	4. Chapter 4: Homecoming

Chapter Four

Homecoming

 _I've been crawling on my belly_

 _Clearing out what could've been_

 _I've been wallowing in my own confused_

 _And insecure delusions_

-Tool, "46 and 2"

In the end, a monster is just a monster. It can try to hide behind good intentions and carefully constructed excuses, but there was no escaping the truth. It was simply its nature, simply _my_ nature. After all, how could a vile creature who has only ever known evil and sin perform an act of good? The Devil cannot forgive sins or save souls any more than an animal can speak a human tongue or the wind can decide which way it blows. It was a harsh reality, one that I had struggled with and denied to myself countless times over, yet in the face of this... I find myself now too exhausted and out of convincing lies to cover it up with. I could tell myself that I had left her with the best of intentions, by way of granting her a normal life that she would otherwise be barred from by association with me, but no matter how true that was it didn't excuse the fact that I had caused that risk in the first place. My effort to make right did not wash away my selfishness which had started this downward spiral. No, there was no escaping one's nature. I had come to that realization when Rosalie had called to tell me that Bella Swan-the love of my life and the reason for my continued existence-had jumped from a cliff and fallen to her death.

Agonizing pain shot through my chest when I remembered that her bottomless, brown eyes no longer held life in them; that her lips no longer spoke, frowned, or smiled; that her cheeks no longer flushed maddeningly red with embarrassment. I didn't try to turn my thoughts elsewhere or comfort myself with promises of a swift end. I did not deserve such solace and therefore would not seek it. Instead, I tortured myself with the truth of her death, her suicide, and allowed my sister, Alice, to book me a flight to Washington in time for the funeral. Yes, this pain was entirely too much to bear, it clawed at me and threatened to rip me open for the world to view my guilty agony, but I owed her this. Alice was right. Bella would want me there.

Six months and eight days ago, on Bella's birthday, I was shown in graphic detail just how fragile she was and just how numbered her days were when living amongst my family and myself. It was a simple accident, a mere papercut while opening one of her presents, but that was all it took. Jasper couldn't contain himself. I had managed to keep him at bay, but it was almost as if fate had predetermined that that day would be Bella's last and she stumbled into the glass walls of our sitting room hard enough to shatter it and cut her arm open. I could still recall the smell. The intoxicating aroma of Bella's blood flowing free called to me, encouraging me to drink from it. The fact that she had even lived through that night was a testament to Bella's luck moreso than our willpower or morality. Even I couldn't stay in the room with her while Carlisle stitched her up for fear of giving in to the demon inside of me.

It was six months and six days ago that I left Bella. My family had supported my decision, as I was certain they would, and we left. I couldn't continue to endanger Bella's life anymore. As it was, she was on borrowed time every minute she spent near me or one of my siblings. The idea that we could ever coexist without tainting her was absolutely absurd. She was paper mache and we were scissors. There was no reality in which we could closely associate without her getting mutilated. And now, like God was laughing at me, Bella was gone, having taken her own life. Was it because of me? If she had felt even a fraction of the earth-shattering hurt that I did every single day that we were apart, then surely she had decided to take her own life to escape it. My heart screamed pain because now there would be no meeting again; surely anywhere that Bella's beautiful soul would find its final rest would be forbidden for a twisted, vile soul like mine.

 _Edward_ , came Alice's mental voice. I didn't look at her but inclined my head imperceptibly to indicate that I could hear her. Although she sat beside me on the flight that was taking us to Washington from San Paolo, Brazil, she preferred to speak silently through my telepathic abilities. _Edward, please be reasonable. We don't know what we'll find in Forks_.

I didn't answer her, not that she was expecting me to. There was no need to have this argument now. Alice had the ability to see a person's future based on their current decisions, and she could very clearly see my course of action upon leaving Bella's funeral. It was true, I had never planned to outlive Bella long. I had long-since planned to have my life taken at the hands of the Volturi when she had breathed her last and that hadn't changed just because her demise was unprecedented. I would still go to Italy after I had seen her buried; it would not be the audience that I had hoped for, but it would be busy enough. My original plan had revolved around St. Marcus Day, a day when hundreds of thousands of humans would be crowded into one plaza to bear witness to me in broad day light. It was a violation of the Volturi's law that they simply couldn't ignore. Alice had stopped me before I could carry out my plan. I suspected that she meant to stall me, just as she was doing now by telling me that Bella's death wasn't certain. I could sense her lack of confidence in her thoughts. Or perhaps that was discomfort at seeing my intentions upon leaving Washington.

The seatbelt light lit up as the pilot announced that we were preparing to land. Getting a direct flight last-minute from San Paolo to Seattle was an act of God. Even with our enhanced, unnatural charm and near-bottomless wallets, it took the better part of two hours to scrounge a couple of tickets. The next flight wouldn't have been until October, so simply catching another flight was out of the question.

Upon landing, Alice and I grabbed our carry-ons and exited the aircraft. It took all of half an hour to cross the expansive airport and secure a rental car. From there, we made a straight shot to Forks. With gas stops factored in, the trip took us about two hours with Alice driving. She had rented a little yellow Porsche 911 Turbo and had enthused about how badly she wanted to drive it, but I suspected that she really just didn't trust me behind the wheel. She tried to hide her doubts from me, but she still worried that I would lose my nerve and try to return to Italy without attending the funeral. I put up no argument, however, and settled into the passenger seat. I was resigned to seeing this through. For Bella.

Forks was every bit as green and wet as I remembered it to be. As always, the day was clouded and the sun was nowhere to be seen. Familiar buildings passed by the window. I had seen many of them built over the course of the century. In many ways, mostly superficial, it had changed; in character and size, it had not. I had seen many people die here and new ones come in their place, their faces different but their persona the same. Such is the way of small towns, I've found. There is always a new generation with their own culture to contribute, but they are ultimately a mere repeat of the one before. Sometimes, I think that's what Carlisle and Esme like about these little communities so much: One can live here for an eternity and never really feel a change. To find a place as timeless as we were was probably a comfort to them both.

We passed the Newton's Olympic Outfitters. My eyes narrowed at the store, an old habit not yet behind me. Very few people had irritated me quite like Mike Newton had during the first year of my and Bella's relationship. He was an idiotic boy who could never take a hint and was always seeking an opportunity to wedge himself between she and I. Once I had made Bella mine, he had backed into the shadows where he belonged. I wondered if he'd tried to court her again after I left. The thought made my teeth grind.

"Wasn't Mike Newton a friend of Bella's?" Alice asked, as if aware of my train of thought. I grunted in response, still not in much of a mood for speaking. "Why is his car here, then? Wouldn't he be at the funeral home?"

I blinked for a moment and then turned to look over my shoulder and through the back window of the Porsche for a view of the store's parking lot. Undoubtedly there was a familiar Chevy Suburban parked out front. Alice was correct. If Bella had died, Mike would have been there. Unless, of course, the cad was no longer interested now that she was officially off the market. Yet even if that were the case-and even I didn't think that lowly of Mike-he would have felt a social obligation to be seen in attendance. The gossip mill was always looking for new fodder in Forks and it surely would not miss the chance to spread that Mike Newton hadn't gone to give Bella his final regards.

I turned back in my seat once the shop disappeared behind a curve. What could it mean that the boy wasn't at the funeral? _Could it possibly mean that_ -I cut off my thought process there. She was gone. Alice's predictions were never wrong and, if Bella hadn't jumped or was fine, Alice would be able to see Bella's future now. As it was, I could hear Alice trying to look for her and coming up short. Bella was gone and nothing could bring her back. I had to accept that and quit looking for something to the contrary. Perhaps Mike's family needed the money and Mike took over the store while his parents got their visitation in. Likely he would make an appearance later that evening. If this was to be a typical burial, they wouldn't put her in the ground until tomorrow.

"I'm going to swing by Bella's. I want to see if Charlie's there," Alice said. I thought about arguing with her, but found that I didn't have the energy. Besides, the longer we spent looking for nonexistent signs of Bella, the longer I had until I was forced to look upon her lifeless corpse.

It took us all of ten minutes to reach the house that once was Bella's. Just as I had expected, the yard was empty. Charlie was not here and was off at the funeral home, grieving over the untimely death of his only child. I would soon be joining him. What I didn't anticipate was the sudden shooting pain that went ricocheting throughout my body when I looked upon the familiar structure. So many memories resided within this residence. It was here that I once watched Bella sleep, wondering just what about her kept me fixated; it was here that I would pick her up for school only to ask her a thousand questions about her life prior to Forks and her inner most thoughts and desires; it was here that I broke both of our hearts with one terrible lie in order to protect her from the inevitable. If I were capable of crying, my body would have been wracked with bitter sobs as I gazed upon this unassuming, two-story house.

 _He may be out_ , Alice thought, her tone implying her doubts once more.

I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take her false encouragement that didn't sound even remotely plausible, even to her. I couldn't take the lies she kept telling me just to prolong the suffering.

"Alice, Bella is _dead_!" I growled out, my voice warbling with my pain. "Charlie isn't 'out' and Bella isn't off somewhere else. She's _dead_! Enough. Bella is gone and I fully intend to follow her immediately after her funeral. There is nothing that you can do or say to keep me from going to Italy. It's _over._ "

A ringing silence followed my short tirade. Alice sat there quietly, both vocally and mentally, staring at the front door of the house as if willing someone to come out and clear this whole tragedy up for us. When no one appeared, I heard her heave a small sigh. It appeared that she, too, was tired of the denial. For some reason, that helped the whirlwind of frustration inside of me to settle. Acceptance truly did make it easier.

"Okay, Edward," Alice said, finally. "Let's go and say our goodbyes."

I sighed deeply, the fight gone from me. My resolve to anger the Volturi into executing me still stood, but I viewed it now with calmness rather than blind passion. I would still go to Rome after we saw her put to rest, but I no longer viewed it quite as irrationally. On the contrary, it was completely rational.

Alice put the car into reverse, preparing to leave this place of sorrow, when she suddenly paused. I was prepared to argue her down yet again, thinking that she'd hesitated only to try once more to make me reconsider. However, her eyes were locked on the rear-view and I now heard the sound of a motor. Looking in the mirror myself, I saw a Volkswagen slowly pulling into the yard behind us. My brow furrowed with confusion. Who could possibly be visiting the Swan residence at a time like this? Forks was too small for someone not to know that Charlie would not be home. Glancing at one another, we nodded and reached for our car doors.

I couldn't believe my eyes when I looked into the Volkswagen. In the driver's seat, a Native American boy surely of the Quilayute tribe, but in the passenger seat...

I was incapable of moving, so I stood there, rooted to the spot and staring at the girl in the passenger seat. _It can't be_ , I thought to myself, unwilling to allow myself to accept it for fear of being wrong. Yet sure enough, as the two exited their own vehicle, it was.

"B... Bella?" I stammered and the girl looked at me in response.

It was. Dear God, it _was_ Bella! My dead heart flew with relief and joy and the sweet pain of seeing her again. But my eyes were drawn to a purple, scabbed laceration on her brow. Panicked and without another thought, I made a move toward her. Only then did I notice that the Native American boy stood between her and I, flinging his arms out to ward against me as I stepped nearer to her. Unbelievably, Bella cringed into him, as if afraid of me. I couldn't keep the sting from my face as I watched her cower into another man's side. Why would Bella-my Bella-ever be afraid of me? Hurt, yes, but _afraid_? I would die before I ever let harm come to her, she must know that. So why did she allow this boy to keep us apart and why did she look at me like some sort of... of monster? I could hear Alice's alarm at Bella's reaction as well.

"Bella?" she said cautiously, taking her own step closer. Again, Bella clung to the boy tightly as if anticipating an attack. Alice was hurt as well, but she hid it better than I did. _Why is she afraid of us?_ I heard her ponder. Her nose wrinkled as the breeze picked up, blowing a stench akin to that of a wet dog toward us. _He's one of the Quilayute shifters_ , she realized. I felt her immediately grow suspicious of him. "What did you do to her, dog?"

Suspicious as well, I tuned into the werewolf before me. Sure enough, I caught images of he and his pack running through the woods. Among his memories were plenty of Bella and... _Victoria_? Victoria had been here, hunting Bella? I could see images of them keeping the red-head at bay, but never catching her. Unfortunately, I couldn't delve much further for the distracting bursts of rage rolling off of him. I watched as he began to tremble and shake violently. Although not closely associated, I knew enough about their kind to know what that meant.

"Get away from him," I told Bella. His control was slipping and it wouldn't be long until he gave way to the beast within. If Bella were in the way when that happened... I couldn't bear to give the thought life. My eyes shifted to her, but she hadn't moved and showed no sign of intending to. I couldn't fathom why she wouldn't listen to me. Surely she was justified in any anger she held toward me, but it wasn't worth her life just to spite me. "Bella, please. He's not in control. You're not safe."

"I'll take my chances, thanks," she replied, her tone frosty.

I was dumbstruck. Bella had never questioned me when it had come to her safety. Now, when she was very much in immediate danger, was when she chose to defy me? Her stubbornness was keeping her from seeking refuge? Anger bubbled up within me, her immaturity working my nerves rapidly.

"Really, Bella! Now is not the time for your stubbornness!" I admonished hotly. "You are not safe near him. He could lose control at any moment!"

Again, she did not move. Instead, she seemed to square off against me, standing on her own instead of hiding behind the boy. Her eyes were hard as she gazed at me and I felt my heart ache for it.

"I believe I said I'll take my chances," she reiterated. I was rendered speechless by her defiance of me. Fortunately, this seemed to soothe her friend and his trembling lessened as a feeling of smug triumph entered his mind.

"You heard her, bloodsuckers," the boy declared, his tone ringing with victory. "Now why don't you go back to wherever the hell you came from? We've got things covered here. And that includes Bella."

As he spoke, his mind grew clearer and easier to read. I searched it, desperately seeking out the root of this madness. What I found I almost couldn't believe. Bella _had_ jumped from that cliff. Within his memories, I saw him watch her plummet, heard her scream as she descended rapidly into the waves below. He'd saved her and she was hospitalized, but she couldn't remember him. Bella had suffered amnesia from the wound I had seen above her left eye. She remembered nothing of me or my family or any of our time together. She hardly remembered Jacob or her own parents. All of this deeply disturbed me, but none so much as what I saw next. This boy, this _Jacob_ , had taken advantage of her lost memories to poison her against me. He had told her lies of how I had attacked her and used her for her blood and she believed him. Not in many decades had I ever wanted to murder someone, to maim and to torture someone so brutally that they begged for death just to make the pain stop. I felt a ripping snarl tear itself from my throat and, before I could stop myself, I lunged at him, intent on taking his pitiful life. Before I could rip his throat out, however, Alice put herself between us and subdued me.

 _Edward, what are you doing?!_ she mentally demanded. I could not answer her. My entire focus was set on this Jacob Black and his despicable treachery.

" _You son of a bitch!_ " I snarled at him, my very body on fire with my despise of him. " _How dare you?!_ " I strained against Alice, but she remained firm. It was madness, but I felt that if I could only destroy this loathsome mutt that his spell on Bella would break and that she would return to my arms. In his mind, I could sense that guilt began to seep into him, but it wasn't nearly enough to redeem him in my eyes.

"Like I said, we've got things covered here. Including Bella. Now leave. You no longer have any business here, treaty or no treaty," the bold urchin said. I strained against Alice once more, but it was no use. She would not allow me past her.

"I'm not leaving you to poison her with your delusions," I spat at him. No, I would stay here and I would fight until Bella's memory returned and she remembered the love that we had grown together.

"I won't let you hurt her anymore," Jacob declared, and to him, I knew he believed that he was justified. I could see the broken look in Bella's eyes before the accident, the emptiness in her face that he had witnessed for months after I had left. The only time that she seemed whole to him was after she had awoken in the hospital, her memories wiped clean of me. My heart ached again, realizing the pain that I had put her through. _Oh, Bella_ , I thought, wishing that I had come sooner to take the hurt away."I was there to deal with the aftermath and you weren't, by your own choice. She's better off this way."

No. No, she wasn't. I wouldn't believe that. Not until Bella told me that herself. She was not better this way. She didn't even know who she was, much less what she wanted. She was not better this way, I knew that.

Until she grabbed Jacob's hand and spoke up for herself.

"I'm not _yours_ anymore, Edward," Bella told me angrily. "I made that mistake once. It won't happen again. Not with Jacob here."

I stood there for a moment unable to process her words. All I knew was misery. Never had I ever expected to hear those words come from Bella. Yes, I had sometimes hoped that she would say them to save herself from me, but I had never actually thought she would do so. Until now. I could feel my withered, unbeating heart turn to ash and crumble.

"Is that really what you want?" I asked her, my throat tight with sorrow. _Please, Bella. Take it back. Don't say 'yes',_ I plead silently.

She was silent for a moment, and I dared to hope that she would tell me no.

"Yes," she replied firmly and my entire world shattered as that single word reverberated within my mind. It was, indeed, over. One way or another, I seemed to have lost Bella for good. Surely, when she did regain her memories, she would realize that Jacob was right and that she was better off with him. This was the end and it was entirely my fault.

"Let's go, Alice," I heard myself say from so very far away. Without commanding my body, I felt myself turn and head back to the car.

I sat down heavily and gracelessly into the passenger and a moment later, Alice joined me. She closed the door and started the car. We were silent until we got onto the highway, headed back towards Forks.

"Edward," she said, finally breaking the silence. "What happened back there?"

I stared out of the window, not moving or speaking. I had no intention of doing so. What was the point? Bella was still alive and it would seem that nothing had changed after all. I would, indeed, go to Italy and forsake my life. I could not live in a world where Bella was in love with another man, as small as that might make me.

" _Edward_!" Alice barked sharply, drawing me out of my thoughts. "What. Happened."

I took a deep breath and let it out. I supposed Alice did have a right to know.

"Bella jumped and sustained a head injury," I replied matter-of-factly. "She lost all recollection of you or I or our family. Jacob has told her that we tried to hunt her and that I pretended to be in love with her get a willing victim out of her."

I heard Alice hiss beside me, her own anger now flaring violently. Oddly enough, I was beyond caring. My insides felt dead, incapable of emotion now.

"And just what do you plan to do about this?" she asked me, her tone implying that she knew my course of action and that it was unacceptable. I again declined to respond. "Edward, you cannot leave Bella clueless in the clutches of a deluded werewolf!"

"He's right, Alice," I replied, humoring her only a little. "She is better off this way. She was shadow of herself after we left, a mere husk. Now, without any memory of me, she's happier. She has a future now, Alice. I won't take that from her. Jacob and his pack can protect her. They've been doing a fine job of keeping Victoria at bay so far. It's only a matter of time before they catch her."

Alice's head whipped to look at me as we careened down the road.

" _Victoria?!_ " she demanded. "Victoria is hunting Bella?"

I could feel her alarm coming off of her in waves. Try to resist as I might, I began to feel a small portion of that myself.

"Let me get this straight, Edward," Alice said scornfully. "You found out that Victoria is hunting Bella and you're just going to run off to Rome to commit suicide?!"

I flinched imperceptibly at her accusation. There was no uncertainty in her mind now; she meant every word coming out of her mouth.

"As I've said, Alice," I said through clenched teeth, turning to glare at her in turn. "The wolves are handling it. She hasn't been able to make it close to Forks because of them."

She scoffed in my face, making my temper rise.

"Do you honestly believe yourself right now?" she demanded of me. "She was James' mate! James was, among other things, a tactician. You don't think that she must have been even slightly useful to him to warrant not only being in his coven but his _mate_? Edward, for Christ's sake, open your eyes! If Victoria hasn't gotten past the wolves yet, it's only because she's testing their defenses! Eventually, she's going to find a weak spot!"

"They're wolves, Alice!" I shouted at her, defensive now of my reasoning. No one, not even Alice, would accuse me of not trying to take care of Bella. I'd given up too much in the very name of it already. "This is instinct for them. They will keep her safe, much safer than we ever could."

Alice gave a hiss of derision, a look of disgust in her eyes that I'd never seen her give me in all of our time together.

"Yes, Edward," she spat at me, "Whatever could a telepath and a clairvoyant who also happen to be vampires ever do that a ragtag group of puppies new to hunting our kind could?!"

I immediately grew silent. Outside, it had begun to rain once more, the windshield becoming spotted and flecked with water. _Ludicrous_ , I thought to myself. That was what my behavior was right now. I was so caught up in the throes of rejection that I had all but written off Bella to any danger that may come, content to leave her in the care of a boy who-up until a few weeks ago-didn't even know that we really existed. What was the matter with me? How could I have almost left Bella to that kind of fate? What kind of monster was I?

 _Bella deserves better than this, Edward_ , Alice thought to me.

Of course. She was right. Whether that meant going to watch her be buried or fighting off a grieving, demented vampire so that she could live happily ever after with someone else, Bella _did_ deserve better. After all, if it hadn't been for me, she never would have even met Victoria or James and this would not be happening to her now. I sighed again, although the gesture did nothing for me physiologically. When I could finally meet Alice's eyes once more, I was composed and clear-headed.

"We call Carlisle. If we want to stop Victoria, it will require all of us."


	5. Chapter 5: Back in the Groove

Chapter Five

Back in the Groove

 _Splashing through the sand bar_

 _Talking by the campfire_

 _It's the simple things in life, like when and where_

\- Kid Rock, "All Summer Long"

After our run-in with the Cullens, life threw me another one of its little curveballs by settling down for a spell. March was beginning to wane and, with it, my time off from school. Charlie and I still didn't feel comfortable enough with sending me back in person, so we worked out a deal with the staff to send my work and tests home to me so that I could keep myself on track for graduation. While that would normally have meant cutting into my time with Jacob, my faithful companion now had to return to school as well, so the studying material wound up saving me from hours of boredom instead.

A week went by of mundane, homeschool life and it was weird to find myself fitting easily into the groove. Perhaps because I had never actually seen her before, but I never worried about Victoria or her supposed "hunting" of me. Thinking about it, maybe it was my faith in Jacob and his pack that kept me from lying awake at night, because I had seen the Cullens and not even they worried me. To be honest, life was beginning to feel a little dull after my action-packed first week.

The following Saturday after the meeting with my undead ex-boyfriend and his sister, Emily, who was apparently Sam's fiancee, had invited me to come down to she and Sam's home with Jacob and spend the day with the pack. I was a little surprised that it was okay with Sam that I be there, but I didn't want to spit on the olive branch by questioning it so I accepted quickly. When I told Jacob that I was invited, he had told me that he would pick me up around ten that morning so that I could sleep in a little and, that way, I wouldn't have to drive (Charlie still didn't trust me with the truck). Emily said she would be making lunch. I didn't remember eating her cooking, but Jacob told me that I had and that it was like heaven on earth. When I asked him why he never described my cooking like that, he seemed to become really interested in the game that Charlie was watching. Hm.

That morning, I woke up at nine. I wasn't really the kind of girl for makeup, as it turns out, so I didn't really require much maintenance. At most, it took me fifteen minutes to shower and maybe twenty minutes to blow out my hair-and that was if I didn't just put it in a ponytail. By the time I was done with that, I had at least twenty five minutes left to take my time over breakfast.

At 9:25-it was a ponytail kind of day after all-I came downstairs. I was only half surprised to see Jacob sitting at the table with a plate full of toast and a bowl of cereal in front of him. He looked up at me and gave a self-satisfied grin. I could stop myself from shaking my head at him.

"Honestly, Jacob, I know Billy keeps food in that house," I sighed. His grin never faltered.

"Yeah, but where else can I have breakfast with a beautiful view?" he replied, inserting a flirtatious eyebrow waggle.

I rolled my eyes at him before turning away quickly, already having felt my face begin to flush red. Ever since the Cullens left, Jacob had been a lot more... well, affectionate, I suppose. He held my hand frequently and he hugged me longer. It also wasn't uncommon for him to say something specifically designed to flatter me or make me blush. Even though I knew that he was only kidding, my heart stuttered like an idiot and my hands turned clumsy as they fished around for the box of Frosted Wheaties.

"Yes, the pastel yellow of the kitchen is quite breath-taking," I replied drily to save face. Jacob chuckled and was apparently feeling merciful, because he allowed the conversation to drop.

I took my time putting my cereal together, allowing my cheeks the opportunity to cool and return to their normal shade of alabaster before facing him again. I took my place at the table next to him and began to eat. Absently, I went to stretch my legs out and bumped them into Jake's. I blushed a little again and mumbled an apology. He seemed a little off, too, and looked around the kitchen awkwardly.

Our interactions were always laced with these moments now. Jacob would make a flirty comment, I would blush and brush it off, and then things would get awkward for a while. It wasn't like I was oblivious or anything, but if he really wanted to make a move, I couldn't figure out what in the world was stopping him. I wondered if maybe I were giving him mixed signals or if I wasn't obvious enough. Should I make the move instead? And just when I began to talk myself into doing so, I began to doubt and wonder if maybe _I_ wasn't misreading his signals. What if Jake and I were just friends and this was simply how we joked before my accident? Did I really want to risk crushing our companionship on a misunderstanding? The idea of going through my life without him was devastating enough just to think about. In the end, I always chickened out, but the cycle seemed to insist on repeating itself almost every day.

"So," Jacob said after an agonizing silence. "Emily's making vegetable stirfry and cornbread for lunch."

I couldn't stop myself from snorting with laughter. Leave it to Jacob to try to break the ice with talk of food. Clearly understanding the root of my amusement, his face broke into a grin himself, which only made me laugh harder. We wound up falling into a fit of giggles for the next minute or more. When the house phone rang, I went to answer it, my voice still thick with mirth.

"Hello?"

"Bella?" came a familiar female voice.

"Oh, hey, Jess," I replied.

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone and I could hear the chewing noises from the table stop. Curious, I looked over my shoulder at Jacob, who had stopped mid-chew to stare at me, eyes a little wide. My brows furrowed at him, silently asking him what was wrong, but he didn't answer. I couldn't figure out what the deal was until Jessica spoke up.

"Bella, did... did you just remember my name?" she spluttered.

My eyes immediately shot to Jacob's, now wide themselves with realization and excitement. I remembered Jessica. I didn't answer her for a long time as it began to sink in. Jessica. How could I forget Jessica? She had been my first actual friend at Forks High. I remembered her sitting with me every day at lunch. I could even picture her head of brown curls and see the way she smiled when she gushed about things. I couldn't remember any of our conversations or how exactly we'd met, but I could recognize her face in a crowd and I could remember her voice and that was enough.

"Oh my God, Bella, this is great! I was just talking to Mike earlier today at lunch and he was saying that he was wondering how you were doing, so I told him I'd call, y'know? But OMG, I totally didn't think you'd be any better but you are! Have you remembered anything else yet? I can't wait to tell everyone. When do you think you'll be back in school? We all really miss you," she rattled on with her machine-gun rhetoric. I had forgotten how much she liked to talk. Frustration hit me when she mentioned a "Mike". I struggled with my brain, but I couldn't shake loose any memories of him. Was he someone new to school or had he been a friend as well? I wanted to say that I remembered a "Get Well" card from a Mike back in the hospital, but I couldn't be sure. Why did the names here have to be so generic? My excitement deflated a little, but I refused to let it keep me down. I had remembered someone today. Small victories.

"No, Jess, I haven't remembered much yet," I replied in a calm tone that felt familiar to me when addressing her. "I don't think I'll be back in school for a while, but I've been getting my school work sent home until then."

"Oh," Jess said in response, my absence clearly not all that regrettable to her. I didn't know whether or not that should bother me. "Well, that's great. You'll be able to keep up in school so you can graduate."

"Yeah, since it's so close to the end of the year and all, I wanted to make sure I could pass my finals," I told her. I could hear voices in the background and Jessica took a moment to answer.

"Hey, Bella," Jessica said, "Sorry, but I gotta go. Lauren, Angela, and I are going shopping in Port Angeles. I'd invite you, but your dad said you needed to get better before going around too many people or something like that."

"Oh, yeah, right," I replied. I was grateful to be able to use that excuse. As great as I was sure girl time was with them, I knew that in any instance I would much rather spend my time with Jacob. At least I wouldn't have to feel guilty over turning them down. "That's okay. You guys go and have a good time. I need to catch up in school anyway." That wasn't actually a lie, either. Biology II was turning out to be harder to grasp on my own than I'd previously anticipated.

"Alright, Bella. I'll call again soon, okay? I'm so glad you're doing better! Byeeee!" she chirruped before disconnecting.

My brain was trying to wrap its head around the conversation I'd just had, the receiver still held in my hand. Eventually, I realized that I was listening to a dial tone and hung the phone up. I turned to look at Jacob now, still a little numbed by the shock of a recovered memory. He wasn't eating anymore, I realized. On the contrary, he was looking down at the remaining toast on his plate as if he would never eat again. As I looked into his face, I began to realize that he looked a little sick and I began to worry that he was coming down with something.

"Hey," I said gently, coming to sit beside him. "Are you okay?"

The maternal instinct that lay somewhere within me compelled me to put the back of my hand to his forehead before I remembered that he was a werewolf, the normal body temperature of which was well over a hundred. Still, he did look pale and his eyes were glazed over, as if distracted by something. The contact of my hand on his forehead brought him back and he looked up at me with a bit of surprise.

"Huh?" he asked, making it obvious that he hadn't heard me. I frowned at him. Something was definitely off.

"I asked if you were okay, Jake," I repeated, concern coloring my voice. He quickly grinned in response-a little too quickly. When I continued to frown at him, he got up and brushed off my worrying.

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine," he replied. "I was just trying to remember if I'd taken out the trash before I left today. If I forget one more time, Dad's gonna put me in the dog house." I groaned at the crappy joke and turned away to pick up our dishes. "No, like, seriously. I'm pretty sure he's building one because he keeps asking me for measurements when I'm in my wolf form and I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a sweater in mind."

The idea of Jacob's russet wolf form in a puppy sweater _did_ make the corners of my mouth twitch, but it was hardly enough to distract me from the awful look on his face two minutes ago. I'd let it drop, however. If Jacob didn't want to talk about it, he didn't have to. I trusted him and I knew that he trusted me. He would tell me when he was ready.

"So, you almost ready to go?" he asked from the doorway, breaking into my thoughts as I set the last of the dishes in the sink to soak. Jacob opened the door and began to step out as he continued. "Because I gotta be honest, your little girl talk ate up a lot of time and now we're late. You should really work on that, y'know. I don't think the person on the other end got a word in edge-wise."

"Jacob Black, are you trying to tell me that I talk too much?" I demanded playfully as I followed him out of the door.

"Look, friends tell friends the truth, Bells, and sometimes the truth hurts, but it has to be said. Just remember that I'm saying it out of love."

"Oh, really? Well, y'know, I've heard that love hurts, too, sometimes. Why don't you come a little closer so I can show you?" I teased, the effect of my threat ruined by the laughter in my voice.

We bantered and laughed the entire way to Sam and Emily's, never a silence falling between us. It was always like this when we were together: laughter, connection, companionship. Was it normal for me to expect this from my days now? Was it prudent to come to rely on it? Of course, friendships formed and broke apart every day and there was no guarantee that ours would stand the test of time where others hadn't. Still, I couldn't see any reason in allowing that fact to keep me from fully enjoying my intimacy with Jacob. So we could wind up having a colossal fight and parting ways for good. In the end, all that meant was that I had lived happily through several months of my life and, really, wasn't that the point? To find a way to be happy for as long as we can before the end? Looking at Jacob now, my previous reservations of making a move seemed ridiculous. Asking Jacob to be mine would in no way break our friendship, whether he said yes or no. Somewhere deep within me, I think that I always knew that. So I resolved to do so when the time was right, because if we were going to do it, I wanted to do it right.

It seemed to take no time at all to get to Sam's. I remembered the little house with the yellow and orange marigolds from the last time that I was here, only this time, there wasn't a pack of werewolves standing outside of it. Gravel popped and crunched underneath our tires as the Rabbit slowly pulled down the drive toward the property. We parked between an older-model green Chevy truck and an older-model Mitsubishi Mirage with the paint stripped off. I stared at the latter for a moment.

"It's Quil's," Jacob informed me, noticing my gaze. "He's still trying to scrounge up the cash to get it repainted."

"Why don't you do it?" I asked him. "It's not like he could skip out on paying you back later."

"I'm more of a mechanic than an auto detailer," he admitted as he opened his car door. I did the same, listening to him as I got out of the car. "Quil doesn't just want a fresh coat of paint."

"What does he want, then?" I asked as we approached the front door. Jake rolled his eyes, as if he thought that whatever Quil wanted on his car was silly.

"He wants a painting of the pack on his car," he answered with exasperation. We had mounted the steps of the porch and paused at the door.

"Wouldn't that be breaking the rules? I thought you weren't supposed to tell anyone about your secret."

"Well, not really. It's not like he has our names written under each wolf or anything," Jacob said with a shrug. "Unless you're in on the secret, you wouldn't really know what it was about. Most people around here will probably just think that he's really into his culture or something."

I began to ponder on that, visualizing a car driving around La Push with Jacob's wolf form on it. Would any auto detailer really be able to do it justice? Well, actually, if there was any place where Quil could find one who could, it was probably here. Whether they believed in the stories or not, all Quileutes knew the legend and they all seemed to be very proud of it. Surely there was an artist here who would get the job done and do it right.

The door opened then, breaking my train of thought.

 _Speak of the Devil_ , I thought as Quil came across the threshold towards us with a look of mocking disapproval.

"Look, if you were just gonna make-out on the porch all day, you could've just stayed home," he teased.

Even though Jacob and I were already a platonic distance apart, we edged away from each other a little more. I knew that my face was a fine shade of tomato red at the moment, but even shameless Jake was turning a little pink and refusing to make eye-contact with me. Quil, of course, thought this was hilarious. He lead us into the house, declaring that he'd finally pried us apart long enough to come in and say hello. Jacob threatened him within an inch of his life to stop, but no one in the house seemed even remotely worried. While definitely embarrassed, I could feel myself instantly relax here. This was home, among these noisy boys as they picked on one another mercilessly and stuffed their faces with food. Even with Emily thrown into the mix-who I decided that I like very much already-it felt perfectly natural to me. Yes, if this was my life from here on out, I couldn't imagine wanting it any other way.

"How do you feed them all every day?" I asked Emily incredulously after lunch as I stood before a stack of dishes that left me awestruck. She laughed at me, which was a little unsettling to watch as I was on the side of her that was scarred. Jacob had told me about the incident that had left its mark on Emily and I had to say that I was extremely impressed with her. Not only had she been seriously maimed and permanently damaged by Sam's lack of control and managed to recover from the incident physically _and_ mentally, but she was even still here with him-engaged, no less-in a house full of the very thing that had attacked her in the first place. I didn't know if I had that kind of emotional fortitude, but I would've liked to think that I did.

"Well, when Sam's time came, he was constantly hungry, too. By that point, we were already living together and I did the cooking. Believe me, you do _not_ want him to," she said, laughing again.

"I take it he can't cook," I replied with a grin. She laughed a little harder.

"Can't cook, can't follow directions. He once ruined macaroni and cheese from a box. And he was reading the directions," Emily said, her voice thick with amusement. I laughed with her. "Anyway," she continued, "it was a few years until Jared and Paul joined Sam's pack, so I'd had time to get used to the increased servings of one shifter and myself. It isn't always easy, of course, but the boys help with the grocery bill when they expect to eat, so that makes up enough difference for me."

I was again impressed with Emily. She was so easy-going, so resilient. Nothing kept her down, did it? While I knew that the boys had the kind of strength only talked about in books or seen in movies, she suddenly seemed stronger than all of them to me. I understood then why Jacob looked up to Sam so much; I felt like I was beginning to look up to Emily in the same way.

We wound up staying for dinner as well, which I think Emily was prepared for because she started cooking about the same amount that she had for lunch. This time, I helped her. We talked and joked around and our conversations flowed easily as we worked. When I turned to my memories of Jessica, I couldn't remember ever feeling this comfortable with her. Maybe Emily would be the first girl that I would come to be on the same page with.

Jacob popped in and out of the kitchen as we prepared supper, always coming to check on me. He would stay for a few minutes at a time to chat with us, but was always called away by one of the other boys. I wished he would stay longer, but I never held it against them. They were having a good time and I was happy that they finally had an afternoon to relax between all of the hunting and daily life obligations.

It wasn't until after dinner, which was comprised of spaghetti and meatballs with a dessert of chocolate cake, that the boys began to settle down. Jacob, Jared, and Paul were inside, having a rowdy debate over baseball players they thought were best; Emily and Sam were out back, having a moment to themselves after the crowded day they'd had; and myself, Embry, and Quil were on the front porch, enjoying the cool evening air. Embry sat on the steps leading up to the porch and Quil and I sat in a couple of rocking chairs on either side of the door. All around us, crickets sang and frogs croaked, making the night seem very loud. The air was thick with moisture as it always was and I smelled rain in the air. It would serve as a nice lullaby after I'd turned in for the night.

Once I again, I found myself looking at Quil's barren car. I tried to imagine the pack on it. In a way, I liked the idea, but thought that it would be better as a painting on a wall rather than body art on a car.

"Getting it painted next week," Quil said, probably noticing the attention I was giving his car. I turned to look at him.

"Jacob said you were still working toward the money," I replied. Quil nodded, rocking in the chair and looking for all the world like an old man who had seen enough to provide sage wisdom for most situations. His eyes remained on the stripped car as if trying to visualize his masterpiece upon it.

"Got the money," he answered. "Just got to get an appointment with the detailer."

I followed his eyes back to the car. Honestly, I looked forward to seeing it complete. It was a beautiful concept and was sure to look great on anything, even a car.

"You really surprised us, Bella," Quil said suddenly. I tore my eyes away from the car again and frowned at him in confusion. Surprised them? What did he mean by that? "The first time Jake wanted to tell you about us, we thought he'd lost his mind." _Oh, that_ , I thought.

Jacob had told me about the way the pack reacted before he told me the first time. Well, apparently he never really _told_ me, but he hinted heavily until I got it. He told me that because Sam was the pack leader, if he forbade something, Jacob couldn't refuse him. From what I was told, Sam had forbade Jacob from telling me about the pack, but that didn't stop him from guiding me to the conclusion.

"But I had already known about the Cullens," I told Quil. "and I'd kept that secret. It wasn't like this kind of thing was new to me."

"You were in love with one of those freaks," Quil reminded me and I winced a little at the disgust in his voice. "And even if you hadn't been, it's not as simple as telling another person from the reservation, y'know? Here, we all kind of grew up together. We know each other and we know who we could probably trust with our secret and who we couldn't. And it's not like anyone here wouldn't understand what was at stake if they went around talking about it. This is a tradition for us, whether most of us actually believe in it or not. We grew up hearing these stories, we pretended to be Quileute wolf warriors when we were kids. It's just different when it's a newcomer from five states away that we've never met before."

I understood what Quil was saying. Of course they were wary of me. For all they knew, I was just some girl that Jake had a crush on and was trying to impress. None of them had any way of knowing that I would honor their secret and help to protect it.

"But then," Quil said, a little chuckle in his voice, "Jacob found a way to tell you anyway and you kept your mouth shut. No, more than that. You became family; you became a member of the pack. And you did it twice in a row." I felt a little blush creep into my face as he spoke. My eyes went to Embry, who was now halfway turned to us and listening. When I looked at him, he gave me a little nod, as if to affirm Quil's words. It was suddenly very hard for me to look at anyone and my eyes began to water.

Just then, I heard the screen door creak open and I turned to see Jake's head poke out. I hadn't even noticed the discussion inside quiet down. When he looked at my wet eyes, I could see alarm flash across his face, but I shook my head as imperceptibly as possible with a smile on my face to indicate that everything was alright. His shoulders relaxed and he came the rest of the way outside.

"What's going on, guys?" he asked, hands in his pockets. His eyes kept monitoring the situation, looking for whatever had caused me to tear up. I'd have to explain myself on the way home. For now, however, I let Quil speak up.

"Nothing much, man," Quil said easily. "I was just telling Bella that I should have my car painted by next week."

Jacob was distracted by this and turned to look at the car over his shoulder.

"Really? I thought you were still a few thousand short. What happened?" he asked.

Quil didn't answer for a little while. Both Jake and I turned to look at him, wondering what was keeping him quiet. He eventually spoke up on his own, though.

"I took out the money from my college fund," Quil said with a shrug. He wouldn't meet our eyes and it was clear that he was working pretty hard to keep his facial expressions under control.

"What?" Jacob asked, clearly shocked. "Dude, why?"

Quil looked up at Jake with a pitying smile. I had never seen Quil look like this before and it troubled me. It almost looked like Quil thought that Jacob was being naive.

"Come on, man," he said, a strain in his voice. "In what world are we ever going to have the time to go to college?"

"They have colleges everywhere, Quil," Jacob objected. "Peninsula College is in Port Angeles. It isn't like you'd have to dorm there. And even if you did, it isn't that far."

"And when finals come up and I can't study or complete essays because I'm too busy chasing off _another_ bloodsucker from our land?" he shot back.

"Then... get your homework done in between. It isn't like we're patrolling twenty-four-seven," Jacob replied, sounding a little less sure of himself.

"Okay, Jake, then how about when I lose my temper and I have to leave a class or risk exposure?" Quil shot back. "I'm younger than you right now and getting through an average day of high school is hell for me."

"You'll get better at controlling yourself," Jacob reasoned. "By the time you reach college, you'll be fine. Put that money back and use it for college. You deserve to go."

Quil gave an angry sigh that sounded something like a growl. I noticed that his hands had begun to shake.

"Jacob, you're hanging your whole argument on me wanting to go to Peninsula College, but that isn't even where I want to go," he snapped with exasperation. "I wanted to go into pharmacy. It's something I'd be good at. If I couldn't go into pharmacy, I was going to stay here and get hired on at the body shop and learn how to detail cars. It's pretty good money."

Jacob stared at Quil, his eyes intense and searching for the argument that would compel Quil to keep his college money and acquire a future for himself. But Quil was done with this argument and he rose from his seat, keys now in hand.

"Look, I gotta go," he said, his voice very tired. "I promised my parents that I wouldn't be out too late and I have to drop of Embry on the way home."

Jake began to take a step forward to stop Quil, but I grabbed his hand and held him back. When he looked at me, I shook my head, telling him to let him go. Nothing was going to change Quil's mind, at least not tonight, and pushing the issue would only result in a fight. A fight of gigantic proportions. I guess he realized what I was thinking, because he didn't resist me. Instead, he squeezed my hand and I squeezed his back.

We watched as Quil and Embry got into Quil's Mirage and took off. Jake watched until they disappeared into the night before turning to look at me. His expression was weary and sad and I wanted more than anything to wipe those feelings away. On a hunch, I stepped forward and hugged him tight. He reciporicated and I wanted to say that I felt some of that negativity leave him. His nose buried itself in my hair and I rested my cheek against his chest. I had seen pictures of Jake from before he started phasing and he was a beanpole of a person. It felt like an understatement to say that he filled out. Now, he was broad-chested and muscular as most fitness trainers I'd seen. It wasn't an unpleasant side-effect, in my opinion.

"I know he's right," Jacob murmured from somewhere above me. "I just know how much he wanted to go. I didn't want to hear that he'd given up."

My heart ached for Quil. I knew it couldn't be easy to bear the cross of defending La Push, but I had never really thought about how much it actually cost them. Entire futures were lost in the name of the Quileute Tribe's safety.

I thought on the impracticality of using his college money for car paint. Even though he wasn't going to college anymore, he could've set it aside for something else that was equally as important to him. And then I think I understood Quil. He _was_ putting his college money into something he felt strongly about. If Quil wasn't going to pursue his desire of becoming a pharmacist, then he may have been trying to look at his options as optimistically as possible. If it couldn't be college, then let it be the pack, I suppose. He was in the processing of re-prioritizing his life to where the pack was on top all the while struggling to accept and be happy with that order. I pulled away enough to look up at Jake. He looked back down at me.

"Maybe give Quil some time," I suggested softly. "He's trying to cope with it. Just because he can't go doesn't mean that he won't be happy ever again. I mean, that's what a pack's for, isn't it?"

A slow, dazzling grin spread across Jake's face when I said that and I felt my heart begin to pound. I couldn't recall ever making Jacob look so happy and the fact that I had made me feel like I was flying. He looked at me as if seeing me for the first time, his eyes roaming my face for a long time before settling on my lips. My stomach turned to Jell-O when he didn't look away, the smile on his face fading a little. My throat grew tight as I noticed that his head was coming closer to mine. Was he going to kiss me? Before I knew it, his lips were brushing softly against mine and my stomach was doing somewhere between a wriggle and a purr. My face was on fire and my mind was racing, but my eyes managed to flutter closed anyway.

"You're so perfect, you know that?" he murmured against my lips, warming them with his breath and making them quiver. My face became hotter, if that was possible, and I began to stammer. For some reason, I couldn't speak louder than a whisper.

"M-me? N-no, I-"

I never got to finish. Disinterested in my objections, Jacob finally closed the gap and pressed his lips firmly against my own. It started off sweet and soft, both of us taking our time and feeling the other out. After a time, however, our kissed deepened and became more patient and heated, our breathing coming heavier. Had I ever been kissed this way before? I found the mental presence to ponder that as we stood there, glued to one another at the lips. If I had, had it ever felt anything like this? No, I decided. Because if anything had ever felt even an iota of what this felt right now, there was no way that I could ever forget it.

We didn't stop until we heard the door to the back open and close, signaling us that Emily and Sam had come inside and were more than likely ready to have their house back. We giggled again, foolishly, unable to look at one another until the red in both of our cheeks faded away.

"It's getting late," Jake said, a little sadness in his tone. "I should probably get you home before Charlie thinks that I lost you."

I nodded glumly. I knew that Jake was right, but I didn't want him to be. The last thing I wanted to do now was to go home. We had only just broken the ice and confirmed our feelings, after all. After weeks of uncertainty, it was all finally clear. A laugh bubbled itself out of me at the realization that Jake and I were now an item. Jake grinned back down at me in response.

"Come on, let's go tell everyone goodbye," Jake said, grabbing my hand and pulling me along. I followed him without complaint, a smile still plastered across my face.

We took our time on the way home, holding hands and talking. Nothing significant was said, no professions of love, no carbon-dating our feelings. We didn't have to. With Jake and I, all that mattered was that we were together now. Who cared about the past or the future? I loved that about him. With Jacob, everything was simple. And when we drove up to Charlie's, I never had to wonder if he would be upset if I kissed him goodnight because he was already leaning in for one when we reached the door. I went up to my bedroom that night with a soaring heart and butterflies in my stomach, sure that I would have a good night's sleep.

Until I opened the door to find Edward standing there.


	6. Chapter 6: Reinvention

**Chapter Six**

 **Reinvention**

 _Beauty, talent, fame, money, refinement_

 _Top skill and brain_

 _But all the things you try to hide_

 _Will be revealed on the other side._

 _Now the D and the A and the M_

 _And the N and the A_

 _And the T and the I-O-N_

 _Lose your face, lose your name_

 _Then get fitted for a suit of flame_

-Squirrel Nut Zippers, "Hell"

If ever there was a miracle drug, it was acceptance. It was a painkiller, a ward against anxiety, an antidepressant, and a performance enhancer. No matter the agony, the dread, the woe, the terror-once the cause of the unpleasantness was accepted, the individual was on the fast-track to healing and moving on. As I watched Bella and Jacob Black kiss one another from her bedroom window, I finally accepted that she had no real memory of me and that we would never be together again. Of course, the pain didn't go away in that instance, but I found myself now capable of continuing on with some shred of dignity intact.

For Bella, climbing the stairs to her bedroom would take only seconds; but for myself, this trek took several minutes. Humans were such slow creatures. As the love of my life detached herself from the villain that stole her from me and disappeared into the house, I looked at the haunted, pale figure reflected in the window before me and thought about how quickly things changed. Only last week, I was in Brazil with no intention of ever returning to Forks or Bella; now, here I am, back in Forks and near Bella, hunting Victoria once more while watching Bella fall in love with someone else. Yes, things changed so quickly that it was often times hard to keep track of how they got to be the way that they are. Grimly, I began to think back on the week and the events that had lead me here.

"So, Edward. You have the floor."

I looked up from the dining table which served as our designated courtroom, boardroom, and event hall. Many important decisions and celebrations were held in this room, around this table, a lot of them actually having to revolve around Bella. Looking back, I didn't recall very many occasions for such sit-downs before her. For someone who thought herself so plain and irrelevant, Bella surely made a massive impact on all of our lives.

I turned my eyes to Carlisle's, acknowledging him. He looked at me with that timeless expression of patience, the one that I'm sure has soothed many a dying patient. He could've made a wonderful hospice, in retrospect, if he'd had the stomach for it. His handsome features, his pale hair and that face that screamed compassion and mercy-most of his patients would have believed him an angel, surely. If only they knew.

But who would believe it? Who would believe that the good doctor who erased their pain and saved them from the brink of death with such gentle hands and soothing demeanor could possibly be capable of such an immoral way of life? Who would believe that a man who seemed so honest and pure could be capable of such deception? Indeed, who would believe that that look of patience and serenity oftentimes appeared only meant that he was, in fact, most concerned? My mouth pulled into a grim line as I took in his expression and a flash of guilt crossed his features.

 _I'm worried about you, Edward,_ Carlisle thought to me, _I can only imagine what kind of pain you're in. Please don't take my concern to mean that I think the situation is hopeless._

I regarded the man who had been my father for over a century now. I regarded a man who could never be a hospice, no matter his talent at it, because he was a man who refused to give up. He was a man who would continue to work on a human being no matter the hour or the situation until the patient was saved or dead, even when he already knew that the odds were incredibly slim. He was a man who would fight to the death for life or peace. Carlisle was the best man I'd ever known, regardless of what he was. Our souls may all have been lost to Hell now, but if any one of us would make God stop and ponder as to whether they deserved eternal paradise or not, it was Carlisle.

"Yes, Edward," Rosalie sneered from further down the table on my right. She looked at me with an expression of clear disgust. I narrowed my eyes at her. "Tell us all about how we're going off to save dear _Bella. Again_."

"If you didn't want to save Bella," Alice replied frostily before I could answer, "then maybe you should have kept your mouth shut like I'd asked, Rose."

Rosalie glared daggers at Alice from across the table, but she made no reply; she knew that Alice was right. If Rosalie had never called to tell me that Bella was dead, I still wouldn't know that she had ever been in any danger. While that had been my intention upon leaving her in the first place, I didn't agree with Alice keeping her supposed demise a secret from me. If Bella were dead, I'd always wanted to know. Of course, Alice knew why I wanted to be informed, which was why she wanted Rose to hold off in the first place. If it hadn't been for Alice's gift of precognition, I would more than likely be dead right now. As self-centered as Rosalie was, I knew that even she felt terrible for what she'd almost done.

"That's enough," Esme declared, her tone hinting at sharpness. Being stern was never Esme's strong suit. In all the time that I'd known her, I'd seen her lose her temper only once when Rosalie and I were having an argument of monstrous proportions. Esme had been so scared that Rosalie and I would kill one another that she finally put her foot down and forced us to stop. She had made such an impression upon us that Rosalie and I had never gotten ourselves to that point again. "Regardless of how we may feel about Bella," Esme eyed Rose with disapproval for a second, "or how she got into this danger, she is in trouble largely because of this family and we are going to help her because that is who we are. We may no longer be humans, but we still have our humanity."

The feeling with which Esme spoke left everyone lost for words momentarily. Yes, our humanity or our obsession with acting human was what glued this family together in the first place. I doubted very much that we would remain together if we forsook that quality in ourselves.

"Well, what're we waiting for?" Emmett asked, stretching his large arms out at his place beside Rose. "Let's find the bitch and crush her skull in. And if we're leaving after anyway, we can take out a few of those mutts, too. Fuck 'em."

Esme gave Emmett a hard look and hissed at his language. My burly brother at least had the decency to look sheepish and muttered an apology. Emmett had always been the most crass of us, his mouth tending to run away from him. While I loved him, he was not the deepest thinker. Far from stupid, he was entirely too impulsive for his own good, but he made up for it with his adaptability and his good-natured personality. He and Carlisle were the easiest to tell about Bella when I first realized my fixation with her. Instead of anger or reproach, he laughed at me like it was nothing more serious than if I'd told him that the sky was lime-green. In foil to his wife, he also loved Bella like a sister and I could feel the anger he harbored for the Quileutes for turning her against us; his flippant remark about killing a few of the wolves was hardly an idle threat.

"How do you plan to find her, Emmett? If it were that easy, the wolves would have already destroyed her before we had even gotten here," Jasper reasoned calmly. Jasper was the opposite of Emmett in almost every way. He was soft-spoken and preferred to think something all the way through before acting. While Emmett was impulsive and always ready to do, Jasper was cautious and calculating. I sometimes wondered if he'd always been that way, or only since he came to our family and he had to learn to survive off of animals rather than the preferred diet.

Through the calmness of Jasper's thoughts, I could sense occasional thoughts of guilt in his mind's eye. He didn't want to address me with them and apologize, but he certainly felt largely responsible for Bella's current condition. My heart ached for him. I in no way blamed him for our leaving, but I knew that no matter what I told him that he would still hold himself responsible. I knew that this was the sole reason that Jasper was here. While he certainly didn't wish Bella any ill will and even he was bothered by the deception of the Quileutes, he had never approved of my relationship of Bella. Sometimes, I suspected that his disapproval was rooted in jealousy. Not of Bella's love of me, of course-he and Alice were meant for one another and he would never consider any other woman but her-but because of my control with her. I believed that he took a hit on himself every time he lost control and had to leave a room because of Bella, but I, who was younger than he, could bear it.

"You're either overestimating the wolves or underestimating me," Emmett replied, an edge to his voice. For one reason or another, Emmett was always eager to prove himself, even when no one really wanted him to. Jasper remained unfazed.

"I have no doubt that you have the brute strength to dispatch Victoria easily, brother" he humored him. "But the wolves are designed to track us down and even they are having a hard time doing it. She's particularly elusive. We must be careful."

"Can't we simply draw her out?" Alice asked. Her eyes went to each face as she spoke.

"We have nothing to lure her in with," I answered. "I'm sure she's aware that we don't harbor any camaraderie for her and Bella is the only thing we could use and she won't have anything to do with any of us." I watched her expression turn black.

"It doesn't help that the treaty limits our movements, either," Carlisle said pensively, his eyes on the table before him as he thought. "Is Victoria aware of that?" His eyes moved to mine, a glimmer of hope in them. I thought back on my time in her company.

"I never saw the fact cross her mind, but there hadn't been a reason for her to think about it before," I said to him.

"How could she have found out?" Esme asked. "None of us would have told she or her coven. Especially not with Bella under our care."

"According to Jacob Black's memory," I replied, the name making me want to spit, "Victoria has been in Forks for a while now. She could have overheard it during her time here. The Quileutes are well-versed in the legends of their people and they clearly love to share it." It was my turn to have a black expression as I remembered that the same boy who now toyed with Bella's mind was the same one that had told Bella what I was in the first place.

"I don't know why we're freaking out like she's even still here," Rosalie replied, disdain still in her voice. Every head at the table turned to look at her. When no one spoke, she rolled her eyes. "Oh, come on. She had to have smelled Alice and Edward when they arrived. If she even stuck around long enough after that, then she smelled us, too. What, you think she wants to stick around and try her luck with a pack of werewolves _and_ a coven of vampires?"

The feeling of stunned silence was immense. The only one of us who wasn't surprised by Rosalie's statement was Jasper, who had already considered the possibility of Victoria's absence. I mulled over that for a time with the rest of my family. If Victoria was gone, then where did she go? It finally truly dawned on me that the redhead had waited almost an entire year to act out her vengeance. Of course, I had thought it odd before, but I had never paid it much mind. Time for our kind flows differently. We are not pressed for time in the same manner that humans are. Yet, I realized now that that was still unusual. She hadn't been mildly offended but had lost her mate. The normal response was to take immediate action. To myself, it looked as if she'd taken a year's hiatus to ponder her course of action, but what if she had taken immediate action?

"What has she been doing for the past year?" I voiced aloud to the room. There was no response.

Naturally, none of us could figure out for sure where Victoria was or what she had been doing all of this time. The only thing that we could do to help was to set up a patrol in our territory and to keep an eye out for her. It was decided that if one were to find her, they were to follow her as far as they could and to let the family know as soon as they were able without blowing their position. Fortunately, none of us required sleep and could therefore set up constant patrols across Forks and Bella's home. I immediately appointed myself to Bella's home and no one argued with me.

Understand that when I put myself as guardian of Bella's home, I did it with no intention of approaching her. I knew that I, who was so in love with her, would be the best defense for her and so I took up the position. I knew that Bella had no love for me now and I was fully prepared to remain in the trees and avoid her. But, as they say, "the best laid plans of mice and men..."

It was early that morning when we met to plan out our course of action. My family had taken the red-eye flight from Ithaca and had arrived in Port Angeles around six that morning. By eight, we were already at our posts and looking for Victoria. Emmett took the north, keeping an eye on the town of Forks; Rosalie the south; Jasper took the east; Alice the west coast where she would have to dodge both reservations to stay in line with the treaty; and Carlisle and Esme divided up the center together, Carlisle scanning along the Bogachiel River and Esme keeping a lookout along the Hoh River. Agreeing that the Swan residence would need twenty-four-hour surveillance, I took charge of the watch there so that the rest of my family could keep an eye out for our target.

It went on like this for almost a week, my family actively hunting for Victoria and I watching Bella from the woods surrounding her home. Every day, we would convene at random times so as to avoid giving off a predictable pattern, only to report that there were no sightings. Still, no one-not even Rose-suggested giving up. We all knew that this was not over. Whatever had drawn Victoria away for now, it was somehow relevant to her obsession with revenge.

Every day, like some personal hell of mine, I watched Jacob Black return to Bella's home, welcomed in by her father, greeted with excitement by Bella. Every day, I watched them say goodbye with a reluctance that hurt to watch. Somehow, I still held my resolve to be a ghost on her property and to remain hidden. Until that Saturday.

It was around nine that morning when I watched a familiar Volkswagen pull up in front of the Swan home. The Quileute boy got out of his car as he always did and, as he sometimes did, he paused by his car door. His nostrils flared a few times and he looked around wildly, searching for the source of the vampiric smell. After almost a week of this, I believed that the rain and my distance gave Jacob Black the impression that I, or whoever he presumed it was, had passed through here hours prior and was now gone. Regardless of the reason, he didn't try to search me out and, after a few moments of poking around, he made his way inside.

I'd learned that Jacob had not yet learned how to find the subtle differences in our scents that made us identifiable by the olfactory system alone. If he had, he certainly would have found a way to contact me or would have warned Bella. So far as I could read off of Jacob when he did catch wind of my smell, he seemed to suspect Victoria. I held on to that piece of information, certain that it would be rather useful later on.

An hour later, both Bella and Jacob exited the home, bantering and teasing one another. The sight made my heart bleed pain. Thankfully, they didn't stay long and prolong the torture. From what I had gleaned of the fragments of conversation I'd caught over the week, Bella was going to La Push with Jacob for some sort of luncheon with the rest of his pack. This wounded me as well, reminding me of all of the times that I had come to take her to have a meal with my family. It was like I was stuck in some perverse alternate universe in which my and my family's place in Bella's life was replaced by Jacob and his. The concept was impossible to avoid dwelling on and it was absolutely maddening.

After several hours of thinking on the role reversal in my life, I couldn't handle it anymore. Without any real thought, I took myself up to Bella's bedroom. Looking around, the idea of this being something straight from the Twilight Zone was only strengthened once more. On every wall and bulletin board was a picture of Bella and Jake or Bella and the Quileute pack. It had only been a short time since her accident, but already she'd begun to form a lifetime of memories with them. Depression began to settle in like a thick blanket, smothering and oppressive. Some of these, I noticed, were surely before the accident. In those photographs, I noticed the light dimmed from her eyes and the smile on her face seemed pained. The contrast between her then and her now was obvious. The blanket grew heavier on me. Her memories of me had kept her in a perpetual state of misery, but without them, she was a happy, normal teenaged girl. Desperate to justify my existence in her life, I moved to the loose plank in her bedroom floor where I had hidden the evidence of our relationship from Bella.

Carefully, I removed all of the pictures that we had taken in our short time together as well as the CD that Alice and I had composed for her. My thumb ran across the smooth surface of the disc while I stared with longing at the photographs. These were the last bit of proof that there was ever a love between us. In these photos, Bella smiled like she did with Jacob now. Perhaps it was my own vanity or wishful thinking, but I was under the impression that her smile was even brighter with me. The look in her eyes, the love that was so clearly there, I knew that that was an adoration that could be honestly replaced. And it had not been. Anger welled up in me again. Jacob Black had ripped her from me, had twisted her memories of me, and had stolen her affection. Even though I was aware that this was what I wanted, I was also aware that it was a fact that Bella would have wanted me to make her see the truth. She would have wanted the decision of her happiness to be her own, not some fabrication of a love-struck boy. Whether I thought she was better off with the Black boy or with me was irrelevant. This was up to Bella, not us.

The sound of car doors closing broke me from my speculations and I realized that it was very late. Charlie had returned hours ago. Surely this had to be Bella and Jacob. I replaced the photos and CDs under the floorboard and hid them away again. With the resolve of reasoning with her, I rose from my seat on the floor and approached the window to watch her enter the house. A fire of self-righteousness burned within me, giving me more life than I'd felt in weeks.

That fire was promptly snuffed out. And that was how I had arrived here, just having watched Bella and Jacob express their affection amorously.

I stared at my reflection. Some psychologists said that staring at one's self in the mirror helped them to self-reflect and forced them to be honest with themselves. As my reflection and I gazed at one another, I found myself beginning to ponder my position. Here was a young man who had long ago lost his humanity, who had feasted on both man and animal alike, who had lost his soul and become a monster, but refused to admit it to himself. He insisted on playing the jaded hero, all the while telling himself that he had no delusions of his own vile nature. And the more he denied it, the more he and everyone around him got hurt. Still, even with the danger of his beloved's death looming over him, he continued to persist in his act. Just when would it be enough? When would the madness end? When would he grow tired of endangering everyone around him for the sake of being perceived as good?

The door opened as Bella entered her room and I watched as her smile fell and her face grew paler. Suddenly, I felt the dismay and turmoil that had raged within me grow calm and was blessedly replaced with a cool detachment. Finally, I had come to the decision that needed to be made and I found myself at peace for it. If a monster was what Bella saw me as, then a monster I would be. I would no longer fight that image, but step into it and embrace it. I heard Bella take a sharp breath in, preparing her lungs for a scream.

" _Don't_!" I hissed at her, my tone cold and hard, my eyes narrowed dangerously with a threat that I was not sure that I meant. She obeyed me this time, causing a bitter sort of humor to rumble somewhere in my abdomen. Of course now she listened. Typical Bella. I watched her eye me with unveiled fear. I could hear her swallow nervously as her heart thundered deliciously. "I only came to speak. You will listen."

"Wh-what do you want, Edward?" she whispered back, doing her best to hiss at me in return but unable to stop the squeak in her voice. My heart ached once more. It still wanted the same thing, but I now knew that that would never happen- _could_ never happen-and that only instilled the bitter humor within me.

"My family and I have returned," I replied, the frosty tone going nowhere. It was easier this way, to speak to her with anger, to treat her like an enemy, "We've acknowledged that Victoria pursuing you is entirely our fault. For that reason, we've decided to stay and handle this."

Bella eyed me as if she expected me to drop a punchline. When none came, she narrowed her eyes with suspicion. It was so strange to see Bella doubt me when she never had before. Not even after I'd saved her from Tyler Crowley's van and demanded that she lie about my impossible strength did she really doubt me.

"Jacob and his pack can handle it," she replied petulantly, "We don't need you here."

"And until Jacob and his pack _have_ handled it," I replied with a cocked eyebrow, "we will be here."

"Why, Edward? What do you and your family care?" Bella asked, her voice rising with exasperation. She immediately cringed at her increased volume and cast a nervous glance across the hall at Charlie's bedroom door. As if expecting me to attack while her head was turned, she whipped it back around to face me. I could resist rolling my eyes at her, which earned me a burning glare.

"If I wanted to attack you, Bella, I would hardly need to wait until your back was turned," I told her scathingly. She winced at my tone and seemed to relax a little some in the shoulders. My tone became aloof once more as I answered her question. "We care because it is our responsibility. If it hadn't been for us, Victoria would never know about you and you would not be in danger now. We will stay long enough to ensure that Victoria is dealt with and then we will leave, if that is what you want."

"It is," Bella said firmly, her chin rising defiantly. Just when I believed that she couldn't hurt me any more than she already had... It took me a second to compose myself.

"Tell Jacob that my family and I request a meeting with his pack. Tomorrow at sunset. In the woods behind your home," I ordered her. Her eyes narrowed again at my tone and I saw her jaw set angrily.

"Why?" she snapped.

"Because Victoria is no longer here," I replied, "and we have it under good suspicion that whatever has distracted her for the time being has everything to do with you."

Bella seemed not to have a viable argument for me. She merely gazed at me, her brows still furrowed and her eyes still searching me for signs of deception. After a moment, I turned back to the door and opened the window, preparing to take my leave. I moved slower so as not to frighten her and, in part, to give her time to find words for a reply. Thankfully, this time, she did not disappoint.

"I'll tell him," she said, her tone softer now than it had been. I glanced at her over her shoulder. She still had a furrowed brow that suggested confusion, but she no longer eyed me with mistrust. Beyond hoping for more from her now, it was my turn to refuse a response. I left her in her bedroom and disappeared into the night.


	7. Chapter 7: Stop, Collaborate, and Listen

**Chapter Seven**

 **Stop, Collaborate, and Listen**

 _Come, baby, time to play_

 _You know I want it bad, you too_

 _Yeah, baby, it's okay_

 _If it drive me mad, cuckoo_

 _Maybe I love it, maybe I need it_

 _Maybe there ain't no other way to try to please me_

 _-_ Nikki Yanofsky, "Necessary Evil"

Rain fell between the leaves and began to soak through the ground as we waited for the Cullens to show. True to my word, I'd told Jacob that they had asked to speak with the pack behind my house this evening. My first impulse had been to call Jacob the second Edward had left, but I knew that if I had, Jacob would turn around and be at my house all night-and not in the way that I was beginning to think that I'd like him to. It wasn't worth Jacob staying up all night looking for bloodsuckers. Instead, I waited until Jacob showed up around nine this morning, shocking him when he came inside to see me already dressed and ready to go. I didn't even give him time to eat breakfast.

As expected, he was furious that I'd waited so long to tell him about my little visit from my crazy, blood-thirsty ex-boyfriend. It was touch-and-go for a while, but I finally managed to apologize away the tremors threatening to tear his body apart. Once calm and able to think clearly, Jacob took us to La Push to meet with Sam. He called ahead to ensure that the other boys would be there as well. It was a fortunate thing that I'd pushed Jacob out the door as early as possible, because it took several hours for the pack to arrive at a decision. For most of the morning and late into the afternoon, I was sure that they were going to refuse to convene with the Cullens. While no one wanted to associate with the leeches, Quil and Embry saw the logic in doing so. Over the course of a few hours of debate, Jared and Paul eventually saw eye-to-eye with the younger boys as well. That left only Jacob and Sam on the opposing side, Sam's vote being the only one that actually mattered.

As offensive as it was, Sam kept eying me suspiciously every time I gave an argument for them to meet with the Cullens. Honestly, it wasn't like I was about to go up and join them, by any means. Whether I remembered it or not, they had toyed with my life and my emotions for over a year and that wasn't something that I could forgive. I felt that I'd been patient with Sam considering that I _had_ been in love with one of them at some point, but I was beginning to grow impatient with his continuing doubt in me. What more did he want? It wasn't like I was biologically designed or capable of killing one of them to prove it to him. Not that I really believed that I had the stomach to do so even if I did. Sure, I admit that something about Edward made me want to trust him last night, but that wasn't the deciding factor. Of course not. That would be madness. It was because I wanted to know all of the information that I could about Victoria so that I had more of a fighting chance. Why couldn't he understand that I just didn't want to die at the hands of a vampire?

In the end, the pack minus Jacob eventually talked enough sense into Sam and he agreed to go. So here we stood, having made it just in time for sunset, rain pelting down on the hoods of our raincoats as we waited. The boys decided to remain in their human forms for now to allow discussion, but I could see the tremors in their hands that kept them poised and ready for battle. I wondered vaguely how they could push themselves to the brink of rage on a whim like that or if there was another trick to it that I wasn't privy to.

"They're late," Jacob muttered darkly from my left. To hear his voice, you'd think that tardiness was some sort of unforgivable sin. Coming from a vampire, it probably was to him.

"Calm yourself, Jacob Black," came a familiar, velveteen voice. "You wouldn't want any harm to come to your Precious, would you?"

It was such a surreal thing to witness. One moment, I was staring at empty woods and greenery; the next, there were seven impossibly perfect strangers standing there. There was no movement that I could see to indicate that they hadn't always been there and that they were just invisible only moments before. I flinched at the sudden appearance of these monsters and grabbed onto Jacob's hand. As he did when he'd met Edward before, Jacob was shaking violently again. It seemed that no one could get to Jacob quite like my ex.

"Why? You plan on doing something to her again, bloodsucker?" Jacob demanded, his voice tight with anger. The other members of the pack seemed to square up a little. I was pretty sure that the Cullens noticed, although they remained completely impassive. It was creepy how they didn't move or fidget at all. As I admittedly watched Edward the closest, I wanted to say that I saw his eyes narrow and his mouth grow into a tight, dangerous smile.

"A precaution," my ex corrected through clenched teeth, "One that you continue to ignore. For how long, Jacob? Until your emotions run rampant on you long enough that you maim her? Worse?"

"I would never-!" Jacob growled, taking a quick step toward Edward. Sam caught him and gave Jacob a hard look.

"Enough!" Sam ordered, the command applying to both men. I noticed that I had been trying to pull Jacob back as well, worried that he may enter into a fight. "We didn't come here to watch your pissing match!" the Quileute leader barked. When I looked back toward the Cullens, I was surprised to see that one of them-a blonde male that looked a little older than the rest of them-had thrown an arm out to stop Edward in the same manner as Sam had done to Jake. He, too, seemed to be telling my ex to cool it, without the use of words. I thought that they must know each other very well in order to communicate through facial expressions. _How long have they been together?_ I wondered.

"What did you come here for, Cullens?" Sam asked the coven when he was satisfied that Jake would not act out.

"Peace," the blonde man said. "And an alliance." It was clear that in regards to the pack, Sam was Alpha; just the same, in the Cullen family, this blonde man was leader. I observed him. He was very handsome, just like the rest of them. I wondered if inhuman beauty was just a side-effect of being a vampire or if they were always that good-looking. Beyond that, the vampire leader had eyes the color of dark butterscotch. I remembered that this color was also the shade of Edward's eyes today and was immediately angry at myself for noticing. Unlike Edward's cold ones, the older man's eyes were soft and full of patience and compassion. _That's what made him such a good doctor_ , I thought to myself matter-of-factly.

The pack and I paused. An alliance? Working as two separate organizations toward the same goal, sure. But working _together_? Absolutely not. Was that supposed to be a joke? Sam would never agree to work with their sworn enemies. If I knew this already in my mere few weeks among them, then surely they knew this, too.

"Peace you already have, so long as you follow the treaty," Sam told the other male passively. "But we do not desire an alliance."

"I think we're a little past working in our comfort zones, Uley," Alice retorted. I began to realize that little bits and pieces about them were starting to return to me. Names, professions, things like that. Dread formed in a small pit in my stomach and I inched a little further into Jacob's side for comfort. Whatever it was that I was coming closer to remembering, it was painful. I was soothed much more than I thought I would be when Jacob squeezed my hand in response. It occurred to me that I must have been falling for him faster than I'd realized.

"We've managed to keep the redhead at bay this long," Sam replied flippantly, the implication of this conversation ending in his voice. "Eventually, she'll make a mistake and she'll pay for it."

"Yes, that is true," the older blonde, Carlisle as I remembered it, conceded. "All creatures make mistakes eventually and we are by no means infallible. But I think you are misunderstanding the difference in the way time works for you versus how it works for us. We are immortal, Sam. Whether Bella dies today or Bella dies eighty years from now, it is all the same to Victoria as long as it is by her hand. She quite literally has all the time in the world. There is no reason for her to rush or to grow reckless. And she won't. Not any time soon. Are you and your pack up to the challenge of spending the next fifty years waiting on Victoria to make a mistake?"

Jacob opened his mouth to say something, but Edward was quicker and when he spoke, it sounded as if he'd just answered Jacob's thought without him ever saying a word. _Creepy_ , I thought.

"No, she won't grow bored of the hunt," he said and then his eyes switched to mine and he stared at me as he spoke, giving me chills. "It is so rare that anything catches our interest after we are reawakened that the moment something does, it is an unnatural obsession. Bella is that obsession. For Victoria."

Jacob wrapped an arm around me and pulled me closer to him. The way he said "for Victoria" sounded almost like an afterthought and it left me with a flipping stomach. Edward ticked his eyes up at Jacob's and the two glared one another down. Still, the authority of their respective groups must have been sufficient, because they both held their tongues.

Meanwhile, an uncomfortable silence rang throughout the pack. I don't think that any of us ever considered the possibility of Victoria hunting me for the next several decades. What if they were right? What if they couldn't catch her? Could I live like this, with a target on my back, for the rest of my life? And how long until the wolves, who don't have forever, make a mistake?

"How would allying ourselves with you make any difference?" Sam asked, clearly pondering the situation. All of us looked to the Alpha, stunned by his pensive tone. It was unthinkable that the Quileutes assist their natural enemy. Sam, who alone hates them enough for the whole pack, would surely never consider trusting them. The Cullens, however, remained unfazed. They already knew that this would happen, that Sam would have no choice but to accept their proposal. It was like watching professors painstakingly explaining a specific lesson, leading the foolish student to the right answer. I looked to each of them, now examining, searching for more of my memory tied into their faces.

First, I examined Dr. Carlisle, who I now knew was a doctor at the hospital in Forks. My stomach turned as I wondered if that was how he brought home dinner for his family. Honestly, that wouldn't be the worst alternative in the world, but it was still despicable to steal blood meant for patients. For some reason, though, I couldn't picture Carlisle stealing anything. It was probably his vampiric charm or something, but I felt as if he was one of the most honest people I'd ever met. I couldn't recall any distinct memories from him, just a few lengthy conversations that I couldn't even catch tidbits of in my mind.

Next, I looked at the woman beside him. She was willowy, with caramel colored hair and a heart-shaped face. Just looking at her made me feel a little more at ease. I noticed that she kept a hand on Edward's arm, but rather than make me think of lovers, I thought of a mother and a son. The woman just exuded maternity to me. This confused me further. Carlisle and this woman, whose name I could not remember for the life of me, only gave me the impression of love and kindness. If they were evil, why did my instinct not scream danger at me? Was I broken? Or was that some sort of power they held over me? The woman looked at me and gave me a soft, sad smile. I immediately changed faces.

The brunet brother was... well, _huge._ I was awestruck by how massive he was. From head to toe, he was every bit as muscular as bodybuilders I'd seen on television. I was pretty sure he could cow a few professional wrestlers with his mass as well. As he glared down the pack with the blackest look I had ever seen, I tried to imagine what kind of damage a vampire of his size could do. And yet, even as his deadly expression made me quiver and he directed it at my closest of friends, I did not feel that he was dangerous. Oddly enough, I was put in mind of a football player squaring off against the opposing team before a play.

The pixie-like female, Alice, stood next to him. So petite and pretty and lithe, she seemed both out of place among the coven and also natural to them. If she were smiling now, I imagine that she would be the last person anyone would ever suspect of being a murderous monster. Her voice was light and sweet and every movement was graceful and sprightly. But when she gazed coldly at the wolves, as she did now, and spoke in clipped and frosty tones, she seemed to be an entirely other person capable of any unspeakable thing necessary. And still, somehow, I did not feel danger when I looked at her. What was wrong with me? Where was my sense of self-preservation? Was this what made me such an easy target for them before? Frustration began to well up within me. Why was I so bad at staying alive? In irritation, I ripped my eyes from Alice and looked to the other sister.

This one was beyond gorgeous. Of all of them, she was the loveliest, easily. Long, blonde waves rippled down her back perfectly. Her pale face was home to two large, almond-shaped butterscotch eyes, a petite nose, and bow-shaped lips. Her body was an hourglass figure that could easily rival any model. If she didn't move every so often, I would assume that she was some kind of 3D printout or sculpture of someone's fantasy. As I looked at her, we caught eyes. The beautiful vampire, whose name I also could not remember, gave me the dirtiest look I could remember receiving. I was taken aback by her rudeness, which I then realized was probably foolish. I had grown accustomed to the politeness of the other Cullens by this point. For whatever reason, they had all maintained a poised image around us, never exuding hostility or speaking crudely. They were the picture of class in every encounter I'd had with them up until this female, here. While I had to admit that I admired that kind of honesty, it also angered me that she could bear to look at me that way after all they had done to me. Losing my temper, I quietly snarled back at her, encouraged by finally having a normal reaction. Strangely, the blonde's eyebrows lifted in surprise at my scowl and the ghost of a smile played on her lips before she looked away. Confused, I moved on to the blond brother beside her.

The final sibling of Edward gave me what I was looking for. As I took in his thin frame and wild, blond hair, I began to feel unease. Something about him made me fidget by Jacob's side. Jake, distracted by the conversation and Sam's willing ear, absent-mindedly rubbed my arm.

"Call it a 'home-field advantage', if you will," Carlisle replied patiently to Sam. "Who better to understand and predict the movements of Victoria than one of her own? We were also acquainted with her old coven and her mate. That gives us insight to the psychology of her. We know her capabilities better. Not only that, but our individual abilities should be incentive enough. Alice can tell us when she plans to return and, if that fails, Edward can always sense her when she returns with his telepathy."

Realization dawned on me. That's why he always seemed to know what people were going to say or what they were thinking. He had telepathy. My mind went racing with questions. Did they all have weird abilities like that? What could they do? And how did I ever live in a relationship with a telepath? Did I even know back then? What embarrassing thoughts did he pick up from me on the daily? I could feel my cheeks color a little at the thought. _Wait, can he hear my thoughts right now?_ I thought, my eyes shooting to Edward's face. However, the vampire never looked at me. He seemed to be completely focused on Sam and the other wolves. Could he block out other people's thoughts at will? Or was he just that well-practiced at maintaining his composure?

"But are all the bells and whistles worth the risk?" Paul asked to my right. Edward quirked an eyebrow at him, his arms crossed over his chest.

"'Risk'?" he asked. Before Paul answered, I watched Edward's face harden, already having heard the response. _Perhaps not so very skilled at a poker face..._

"The risk of you and your 'family' stabbing us in the back when our guard's down," Paul replied, not in the least bothered by Edward's glare.

At once, Alice and all three brothers hissed angrily, but it was the blond one that struck me. All at once, a memory came flooding back of the blond brother, eyes vacant of higher thought and fangs bared, launching himself at me from across a richly decorated room. I let out a shriek and stumbled back in my attempt to shield my face from impact, only saved from falling on my ass by Jake's firm grip on my wrist.

"Bella!" I heard from a few voices in the clearing. As I struggled to orient myself and expand on the memory at the same time, Ivaguely noticed that the pack put themselves in front of me. The Cullens must have started in my direction, as the group was a couple of steps closer now and poised to break through the wolf ranks.

"Bella? What happened?" I heard Sam ask from the front of the pack. I was still shaken, but I also felt embarrassed and stupid. Here we are, having an important conversation of the defense of Forks, La Push, and my life; and here I am screaming my head off over a memory like a basket case.

"I-I'm sorry," I sputtered. "I..."

I, what? For a time, I hesitated. I could tell the pack, right here and now, that the blond boy tried to bite me. I could tell them this and watch the wolves and the vampires fight to the death. I could crush any chance of this alliance between them and ensure the Cullens were exiled or executed. I knew that I didn't want to do that, however. Even though the Cullens were dangerous, even though they were evil and selfish creatures, they still seemed quite serious about dispatching Victoria. In every face that I studied that evening in the quickly dying light, I saw resolve. For whatever reason, for whatever clause in their vampire code, the Cullens meant to destroy the redhead and then be on their way, just as Edward had said. While I in no way trusted them, I did get the impression that we could form an alliance and not have to worry about them until Victoria was dead. Besides, it was time to be realistic; I was a sitting duck without their help.

"Bells?" Jake's worried voice brought me back to the present. He helped me straighten myself and continued to hold my hand, trying to give me comfort. All eyes were on me, making what I was about to do that much harder. Face beet red, tongue fumbling, I answered them:

"I, uh... I saw a spider."

The longest silence I had ever endured commenced. Frogs and crickets screeched to fill the void, a wet breeze blew and sprayed the drizzle in our faces, the leaves rattled around us. I stared at the ground, trying to hide my blazing face with the hood of my raincoat, willing them to say something-anything-to end this moment.

"So? Do we have an alliance?" came Edward's smooth voice. Relief flooded through me as everyone slowly turned back to the topic at hand. I could not have been more grateful for the shift in focus, my face slowly cooling and my shoulders relaxing only a little. The worst was past, but I would still need to answer for it later. Undoubtedly, the pack would tease me mercilessly, at the very least.

"Yes," Sam replied after a long moment of deliberation. I could feel the tremors in Jake's hand grow stronger, threatening to take my arm off, and I feared he would transform at any moment. I knew how much he hated this and that, if it were his choice, we would never work with the likes of the Cullens. And now, his inability to do anything about it and his hatred of the Cullens was bringing him dangerously close to losing control. I looked up at him dubiously and something in the expression on my face must have shown my inner thoughts. With a hurt look, he immediately let go of me and took a step away. I tried to reach back for him and apologize without interrupting, but he refused to look at me or come near me for the rest of the discussion. Guilt took over and I began to kick myself for making Jake feel like I didn't trust him. Oblivious to our lovers' quarrel, the leaders continued to talk shop before us.

"Excellent. Then let's establish our terms," Carlisle replied.


	8. Chapter 8: Orders are Orders

**Chapter Eight**

 **Orders are Orders**

 _"I see the bad moon rising_

 _I see trouble on the way_

 _I see earthquakes and lightning_

 _I see bad times today"_

\- Creedence Clearwater Revival, "Bad Moon Rising"

In the aftermath of my newfound teen wolf status, I was uncertain of what to believe in when it came to religion and deities. Even beforehand, my dad wasn't exactly the church-going type, so it wasn't like I had a background in that kind of thing. Regardless, I knew that there was something out there and, at the moment, it was kicking my ass. I won't say it wasn't justified. I knew that I had made my bed, I just wasn't ready to lie in it.

Patrolling our territories had become an almost all-night affair, allotting roughly two hours of sleep a night. I was beginning to function entirely on coffee and energy drinks when it came to my daylight hours and even that was beginning to take less and less effect as time marched on. Usually, about once a week, Sam would give one of us the night off so we could crash and regain a little energy, but it was never enough and it honestly had us worried. If Victoria staged an attack now, we would never make it in our condition. But with summer vacation coming right around the corner, we prayed that she would hold off until our time was freed up.

We weren't the only ones making rounds, just the only ones who needed sleep. The Cullens were watching the borders twenty-four, seven. Daily, Sam would check in with them at the clearing near Bella's house, which had become neutral ground for us. Typically, the doctor leech would meet with him and let him know if they'd found anything or if his psychic bloodsuckers had managed to pick anything up. So far, we were all coming up empty-handed.

From what I could tell, Bella seemed to be doing fine despite it all. She didn't sleep well, obviously, but she didn't seem to let Victoria's unknown whereabouts or intentions keep her down. She seemed to be keeping up well in school and she was even starting to make her own routine at home. Charlie seemed to appreciate Bella's competence and there was talk of her returning to school so that she could receive her diploma with the rest of her class. He'd even passed her the truck keys so that she could go to the store for groceries one afternoon. Charlie never seemed to notice that anything was amiss and he didn't appear to have a clue that the Cullens had returned, much less were a constant presence in his home.

Ever since the Cullens joined our little 'task force', it was agreed that there would be at least one bloodsucker with her at all times in case Victoria tried to pull a fast one. This was easier than having one of us constantly around her since the Cullens had already supposedly moved away. No one would miss them at work or at school like they would with us. And not that I had all that much time to see Bella anyway, but even when I did, it was now an awkward make matters worse, all the time with those leeches had Bella asking hard questions when we did get some alone time. One such Saturday night was particularly taxing.

Bella and I had had a movie night at her house. Charlie had left at the break of dawn to go fishing with my dad and likely wouldn't be back for quite some time yet. I had showed up sometime around noon and we had spent the day watching movies and trash TV. That evening, Bella had cooked us a lasagna and we returned to curling up on the couch to watch an action movie marathon after supper. Of course, we were uncomfortably accompanied by the blonde sister of Edward that evening, Princess Leech. She was quiet, as were they all. Every time I had come over since their watch began, they would only be visible when Charlie was gone. I determined that they had to be somewhere close because I could still pick up a scent, but I could never pinpoint a location. When they were to be seen, they were never heard. Silent and freakishly still, they would just sit there and pull their shift. Of course, I'd only been over about three times since, the nights when Mama Leech, the Psychic Leech, and now Princess Leech were on guard duty.

None of them were pleasant to be around, either. Mama Leech sat quietly off to the side whenever she was around, her gentle-looking face always passive and welcoming. She and her mate made me the most uncomfortable. Despite the fact that they were soulless killing machines, they both gave off such a flawless facade of gentleness that even I would be fooled, if I didn't smell them first. There was just something about that level of deception that made my hair stand on end. Still, knowing what they were was only half the battle with her. She still held the face of a mother and that managed to have sway on me. Every time Bella and I were close, there was something about her face that made me feel terrible, like I just cursed a blue streak in front of a nun.

As for Psychic Leech, she made no effort to hide her displeasure when I arrived. Her demeanor was so cold that I caught shivers from across the room. There was something to be said about a person who could make you squirm without ever moving or speaking. It had begun to make me angry halfway through the night, thinking of Bella being stuck in this house all day with such an unfriendly persona. I had later asked Bella if she was okay being around a leech so hostile, but she admitted that she didn't seem to notice any negativity coming from the bloodsucker. I suppose, in retrospect, that she probably wouldn't have. It wasn't like her instincts ever functioned on a normal level before, after all.

Like I said, none of them were a delight to be around and, so far, Princess Leech was my least favorite. It was clear that she disliked us but, more than that, she thought that she was well above Bella and I, judging from her condescending looks. Not that I really cared, of course, but it got to be pretty annoying not being able to make a comment or share a laugh without her judgmental facial expressions or sounds interrupting. It was like her disgust was so great that it couldn't be contained, because she couldn't just judge us in silence like the rest of her freak family.

For all of Princess Leech's snide antics, however, the night continued on pretty smoothly. As we ended our first action movie of the night, I volunteered to help Bella wash the dishes. I had been over for dinner enough times to know that she could never let them sit for long. She smiled and accepted my help with a thanks before the two of us headed to the kitchen to begin. The small room was alive with the sound of dishes being placed into the sink and water gushing from the faucet. I took my place in front of the dish water, content to do the dirty work. I looked through the window into the pitch blackness outside. _Charlie shouldn't be too much later_ , I thought. Behind us, Princess Leech remained in the living room, quietly whiling away her sentence here in solitude. Once again, I wondered where exactly they went when Charlie was around.

All in all, it really had been a pretty good night, leech or no leech. Bella and I still managed to ignore the rude blonde and have a great time. The only frustrating part of the Cullens' constant presence is that I could never fully relax. I couldn't bring myself to grab her hand or put an arm around her with them watching and it drove me nuts. I didn't know if it was fear or guilt or just an aversion to PDA, but it made it hard to get close to Bella. I didn't know if she felt that same inability or not, but she never seemed to reach for me, either.

I was elbow-deep in soapy water when Bella looked over her shoulder at the blonde leech before turning to me.

"I have a question," she whispered. We still hadn't had a chance to really talk about all of the bloodsuckers' average capabilities, so I imagine Bella thought that the bloodsucker couldn't hear her from a room over with running water going. "It's been bugging me for a while now. Why did they come back to kill Victoria for trying to kill _me_ if they were just going to kill me before anyway? Why would they care? My life didn't seem to mean anything to them before. What changed?"

I knew that I stared at her for too long as my brain scrambled for a response. In the corner of my eye, I could see Blondie's head turn a fraction toward us, indicating that she was listening. Seconds ticked by and still, I had nothing. All the while, Bella waited expectantly, her brow slipping further and further into a frown of confusion the longer my silence lasted. What could I tell her? The truth was that I didn't know why they'd come back for her. I didn't know why they kept her so close to begin with other than to eventually make a meal out of her or turn her into one of them. Surely these monsters didn't actually care about her, of that much I was totally certain. It was all a ploy, a ruse meant to lure her into some kind of awful demise.

"I don't really know, Bells," I replied honestly.

"Okay..." she replied, a doubtful frown across her face. I could feel myself tense, as if bracing for the impact of her followup question. "Well, what about what Sam said? He said that the treaty was still in place as long as none of the Cullens attacked anyone. But didn't you tell me that Edward attacked me and that that's why they left? Shouldn't the treaty be null and void?"

Once again, I stared at her blankly as I desperately looked for something to tide her over; but lying was never my strong suit and one of their own sat right over there, a room over, ready to dispute me at any moment.

"It's this stupid loophole. Because they never actually bit you, the treaty still stands. Bloodsuckers are just using it to their advantage," I mumbled back to her, avoiding her eyes and trying not to notice the waves of anger that I could feel coming from the blonde. I held my breath, waiting for her to leap to her feet, scream "liar", to tell Bella everything. Would Bella even believe her? If she did, what could I even say? Blessedly, Princess Leech held her tongue.

Bella didn't seem totally satisfied with that response, but she took it with a soft smile and returned to the chore of drying and putting dishes away. My insides squirmed with guilt as I stared down at the sudsy layer of dish water. I knew that I was Bella's only trusted source of truth. She may have Charlie, but even a Bella with no previous memories of her father could understand that he was a limited source of information. When it came to people who could tell Bella what was right or wrong, she had me and me alone. It was a position I was incredibly honored to take. And yet, I was still taking choices and opinions from her. I was still manipulating Bella's memories and ways of thinking with half truths, omitted facts, and outright lies. I was still positive that the Cullens would only harm Bella in the long run, that they would ruin or kill her, and I stood by the fact that she needed to be forced to see the light, but she should be forced to see it while completely lucid. Feeling guilt build up in my chest, I looked down at Bella, confession just on the tip of my tongue. As she put a plate away in one of the cabinets, I took her in. Her tiny frame; her pretty, dark hair; her smooth, pale skin; her elegant-looking hands. She was all I had ever wanted and so much more, as cliche as that is to say. Being her boyfriend for the past couple of weeks had been the best days of my life and I dared to say that she was even legitimately happy. I had dreamed of the day that Bella would be on the right side of this war, even hoped that she could look at me with some semblance of romantic affection. I had literally been living a fantasy. Losing her now would be devastating, but I could do it if it meant that it was her own choice. Dating her while she was under the effects of amnesia had never been part of the plan anyway.

I had opened my mouth, content to tell Bella everything, but my mouth shut itself so forcefully that my teeth slammed together with a _click_! Sam's face came to the forefront of my mind then, his voice filling my head.

"It's for her own good, Jacob," Sam said back in March, shortly after Bella's accident.

We convened in the forest just outside of her home. The pack leader stood with his back to me, looking for all the world like an Alpha. His arms were crossed over his broad chest, the moonlight coming through the leaves casting dramatic shadows on his grim face. He never looked at me, so I knew that he was unhappy about what he was telling me to do, but that didn't really do much to make me feel better.

"No, it's for our convenience," I snapped. For the past week and a half, Bella had enjoyed a life without monsters and things that go bump in the night making an immediate impact on her day. She wasn't normal, but she had the potential to be. Even after her memories came back, I knew that there was a chance she would never remember the truth of the pack or the Cullens. Even if she did, how easy would it be to blame those memories on a heavy blow to the head? She could be free of this. Why did she have to know that a vampire stalked her from the shadows? It wasn't like her knowing anything would help capture her. It would just be a source of fruitless panic.

"You're letting your feelings run away with you, pup," Sam replied, irritation seeping into his voice. "Bella is a liability when she's unaware that she's being targeted. How long until she goes into the woods for an afternoon stroll? How long until Victoria pieces together Bella's missing memories and lures her from the house under pretense of being a friend?"

"Then I'll stay on her round the clock. I'll make sure she's never alone."

"Jacob, enough," Sam barked, the frustration clearly evident now. "You can't go without sleep and, even if you could, you have a life with obligations on the human side. You can't be with her all of the time, as much as I'm sure you'd love to. We tell her and that's final."

I looked away, glaring up at the open window of Bella's bedroom. I knew he was right. An ignorant Bella was a difficult Bella to protect and I wasn't capable of giving her every second of every day. But at least when she knew about us, she knew who to rely on and how to get in contact with us. This way, if she saw something weird, she would probably just keep it to herself and blame it on her head injury.

"And when she asks about why a vampire is hunting her in the first place?" I asked. I couldn't imagine that Sam wanted me to tell Bella about her entire life in Forks. He would never want me to mention _them_ to her, right?

"Then tell her the truth," Sam answered, giving a slight shrug. "Tell her that the Cullen boy killed her mate and it's an eye for an eye for Victoria."

"And when she asks about the Cullens...?" I continued, surprised that he was willing to tell Bella so much. He had always hated her affiliation with them, had called it unnatural and had spat at their relationship. Why would he ever want Bella to remember that?

"Lie," Sam said, his tone hard as stone. I frowned at his back, my head tilting to the side.

"What?"

"Lie. Tell her they wanted to use her for her blood. Tell her they were going to force her to change into one of them. It's probably closer to the truth than what she believed, anyway. But do not tell her that he was in love with her or that he ever really cared for her. Her relationship with them never was healthy. If you want her to live longer than her early twenties, you will make sure she doesn't get close to them again."

I stood there for a long time, watching Sam's back. On some level, I guess he knew my reaction, because he never rushed me for a response. I couldn't believe what I was hearing from him, the pack leader that I so admired. I knew how passionately he felt about keeping the people of Forks and LaPush safe, but I never imagined that he would go so far. He was such a good person, surely he wasn't serious?

"Are you asking me to take advantage of her?" I shot at him, trying to make him understand what he was asking me to do. "Sam, that's wrong. You know it's wrong." The Alpha never turned back to me, never replied. He had made his decision, it seemed, and it would not change. Anger built up within me and I could feel my body begin to tremble. I felt betrayed in this moment, like a hero had just let me down. "If I refuse?" I challenged, my tone dark. I braced myself for a fight, but I should've known that would never happen-it never needed to. Sam finally turned to look at me, his eyes on fire with resolve.

"You will lie to Bella about the Cullens. You will tell her that they attacked her and that they had always planned to use her for some nefarious purpose," Sam commanded and I could already feel the words take root within me. "She must never be allowed to see them in a human light again. This is for her own good, Jacob."

Bella looked back at me, expecting another dish and pausing at my facial expression.

"Jake?" she asked. I returned to washing the dishes and passing them off to her.

"It's nothing, Bells," I replied. A while went by in silence, the sounds the TV behind us and the dishes clinking together in the kitchen. Outside, I could see the headlights of Charlie's police unit turn down the drive. "You know I'm going to protect you, right? No matter what? I won't let anyone hurt you."

Again she stopped and looked at me. I could tell I was causing her to worry, but I didn't care. I just had to get that point across to her, had to make sure that she understood. The seconds ticked by as she gauged my face, the sound of Charlie's tires popping gravel getting closer with each one.

"Yeah, Jake," she said slowly. "I know."

"Good," I replied, going back to the dishes. "You'll always be safe with me."

In the sitting room, I could hear Blondie snort.


	9. Chapter 9: Numb

**Author's Note:**

Hey, guys. First off, I want to apologize for the last few chapters. I'm just getting my feet wet again, so it may take a second for my brain to get back in gear. That being said, let me also give an even bigger apology for my year of absence. Just life, y'know? Things got busy and and I had to put this on the back burner. **Also** , I'm aware that my chapters have been rather short and a little anti-climactic. Thanks for those of you who are still sticking around. What's a story without fillers, am I right? But rest assured my next chapter should be longer and twice as interesting. I wanted to write it in this chapter, but I just didn't feel right having it from anyone else's perspective but Bella's. So, sorry, y'all. It'll be another day or so till I pump the next one out. **Finally** , I wanted to say thank you so damn much to each person who has bothered to leave a comment. You guys are awesome and a huge source of my motivation. I feel like my writing gets better every time I hear from y'all. I'm not sure if you get my replies or not, but I wanted to make damn sure that you know I appreciate it. Anyway, that's all for now. Hope y'all enjoy the chapter and I'll have more for y'all as soon as I can.

-Fojangles

 **Chapter Nine**

 **Numb**

 _"Will you stand above me?_

 _Look my way, never love me_

 _Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling_

 _Down, down, down_

 _Will you recognize me?_

 _Call my name or walk on by_

 _Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling_

 _Down, down, down, down"_

-Simple Minds, "Don't You"

 _Are you sure you're ready for this, Edward?_ Alice asked me. She stood in the doorway of my room as I finished buttoning my shirt in the mirror.

I didn't acknowledge her, but continued to gather my things-cellphone, keys, wallet-and retrieved my raincoat. Rain hissed and rattled gently against the windows of my room, giving life to the silence between us. My sister continued to lean against the threshold, arms crossed, face a mask of concern. I didn't want to look at her. Her worry would only escalate my own and I couldn't afford that. Despite the terrible chill in my chest, I was managing to maintain composure and that was my only line of defense at this point.

 _Edward-_

"Please, Alice. Don't," I said, finally looking at her with a beseeching expression. My sister stopped her train of thought. I never did give her enough credit for her extensive mental control. She was the only one I knew that could stop her train of thought at a moment's notice without the unfortunate flaw of being scatterbrained. I knew that this kind of discipline came solely from a desire to be closer with me. Perhaps it was due to the fact that emotions were already high, but I felt a choking surge of affection for Alice in that moment. "I'll be fine," I reassured her. It wasn't much and it didn't come close to repaying her, but it was all that I could muster. With a small nod, she moved out of the way of my exit. Allowing numbness to envelope me, I made my way out of my room and down the stairs.

Fortunately, most of the house was vacant. My family was out making their rounds in search of signs of Victoria. Even with us returned to Forks, this house was about as empty as it was in our absence. If I weren't wrapped up in more pressing matters, I might even find this place lonely. Instead, I was grateful for the lack of company, knowing that it also meant a lack of attention. That left me free to leave without an audience. As much as my family cared, none other than Alice had the kind of will power to keep their thoughts from themselves. Of course, I never blamed them. How could I fault them for my own disposition? But having no one to blame made the frustration that much harder to bear. It was nice not to have to walk through the foyer being pestered by every stray thought my family had about today. I was almost out unscathed, until I met Esme at the door.

"Oh," my mother figure said, looking at me like a dear in the headlights. It was clear that she had expected to miss me, possibly even hoped. I knew I wasn't a joy to be around these days and the feeling of hopelessness she felt around me was crushing. I felt a pang of guilt as I looked at her startled face. I wished that I could pull myself together, if only for her.

"Esme," I replied, doing my best to sound normal. "How was your route? Find anything?"

"No, I'm afraid not," she replied. "It was a rather quiet stroll."

An awkward silence ensued. I was about to wish her well and make a quick exit when it happened. Exactly why I didn't want to run into anyone who had guarded Bella thus far. As Esme stood there struggling to avoid thoughts of her, her mind betrayed her. I felt her worry, finding it rooted in an image of Bella and Jacob Black watching a movie together, sitting closely, clearly enjoying themselves. I closed my eyes and inhaled sharply, bracing against the pain. My heart screamed agony and my stomach felt hallow.

"Edward, I'm so sorry," Esme said quickly, her voice breathless, as if the speed of which she apologized would save me from hurting. I knew that if she could, she would have tears in her eyes. Esme cared so much for us, as much a mother as the ones that birthed us.

"It's alright," I answered her quietly, my tone a little strangled even to my ears. "Excuse me."

Hastily, I exited, ignoring the crashing waves of regret flowing from her. I wanted to sooth her, to assure her that I was alright and that it wasn't her fault, but I had no words. The sight of Bella with another man was haunting me. While it had been a fear of mine that Jacob Black would come to visit her during my watch, I had no actual image to give it a root. It was easily avoided when it was not a reality.

 _Edward, wait!_ Alice called. I could hear her running after me. I paused, mere feet from my Volvo and keys in hand. In less than a second, she was upon me. For a time, we simply stood there. I wondered if she expected me to speak first, if she even knew what it was that she wanted to say to me. It felt like an hour had passed before she finally spoke. _You know this isn't what Bella wants. This is just a sick game designed by a love-spurned child. Do not let this beat you, Edward. Don't let Jacob Black and his pack of wolves do this to her. She still deserves better. She deserves a choice._

I turned to her slowly, meeting her eyes. They were growing dark now. I had neglected to feed since beginning my search for Victoria, only having done so earlier this morning because I would be near Bella. I knew that my family was taking their usual precaution and hunting regularly, but I never realized that Alice had thrown as much of herself into finding the redhead as I had. The last time she had eaten must have been right before her shift with Bella. Another surge of affection swelled within me and I found that I could not contain it. We were a functional family and anyone could feel the warmth between us if they were privy to our homelife, but we were not particularly affectionate. There wasn't much comfort in a hug between statues of cold marble. But, as I discovered that day, it only made for a bigger impact when it did happen. As I embraced Alice, I could feel her surprise in her thoughts and in the way she stiffened in my arms. When she hugged me back, I could also feel the emotion. It was a long while before we pulled away, even by human standards. When we did, I smiled at her genuinely.

"What would I do without you?" I asked her, only half joking.

"Cause a city-wide panic in Rome, piss off a few mob bosses, get burned at the stake," Alice said with a playful shrug and a smirk. For the first time in months, I flashed her an amused grin.

"It sounds like my life would be far more exciting when you put it like that," I replied, turning to make my way to my vehicle.

"Yeah, sure, if you liked the 'Godfather'," Alice retorted. Her voice softened then as she added, "but I think you're needed more here."

I got into the car and started it up, the vehicle purring beneath me. With a final nod to Alice through the windshield, I turned the car around and made my way down the drive.

When I pulled up in front of the Swan residence, I found Carlisle already outside and waiting for me. He had taken yesterday's shift. We had arranged the relief time around ten minutes after Charlie left the house for work, allowing him time to already be on the highway toward Forks or for whoever was on duty to call their replacement and inform them of the sheriff running late. Of course, that didn't mean that we were exempt from Charlie returning home for a forgotten item, but that could happen at any point in the day and maximizing time with him out of the house made it easier for us to stay close to Bella and protect her.

I exited the Volvo and made my way across the yard to Carlisle.

"A welcoming party?" I asked, quirking an eyebrow. The doctor shrugged his shoulders in response, smiling pleasantly at me.

"I needed a bit of fresh air," he replied. I maintained my stare of skepticism, pointedly glancing at his soaked hair and clothes. The weather had yet to lighten up. _I was worried about you_ , he admitted mentally. _I wanted to see for myself how you were before letting you take over_.

I knew that he had probably thought on this for the better part of the night, wondering how I would be able to take being around Bella for twenty-four hours. As it was, I hadn't been handling the situation well otherwise. He gazed at me with such a passive face, but I knew that there was legitimate concern building just beneath the surface. I wondered who he had on standby in case he decided that I wasn't ready for this.

"I'm fine, Carlisle," I replied. "I've been through worse."

"You don't need to put on a brave face," he said, his compassionate nature showing.

"It's heartache," I responded, my tone ringing with finality, "not a terminal condition."

Carlisle stopped short. Telepathically, I heard him concede my point. Since my rebirth into this dark existence, I had experienced much and so had matured far past my perpetual age of seventeen. I was above petty, adolescent quarrels and gossip; well past the "enlightened", know-it-all mentality of a young adult; decades beyond making politics and religion the focal point of my existence. I had had an eternity to learn the lessons of life thus far. The only thing that I had not given any of my time toward was love. Aside from the familial intimacy, I knew nothing of romance from personal experience. I did not pursue such frivolities. To allow myself to fall in love or become infatuated would imply that I believed that I was worthy of such a thing to begin with. A monster such as myself had no place being the object of devotion for anyone and I certainly did not deserve to have such happiness. And even if that were not so, no one had caught my eye. The older I got, the harder it was to find interest in anyone-mortal or immortal. That being said, I realized that the likely reason I was taking this separation so hard was because I had never experienced a broken heart before. I had read plenty on the subject over the past century, but I had never felt it myself or even really seen it. Ever since I had been changed by Carlisle, I had been surrounded by nothing but happy couples. When it came to unrequited love, I had nothing to go on. The only thing I did know was that, barring from dreadfully outlandish romantic novels, heartache faded and eventually wore away. The only thing that I could hope for was that I would get over this hurt quickly so that I could move on and leave Bella in peace. It wasn't that I hadn't heard what Alice said. I had, and she was right. But more than that, Bella was not the only one who deserved a choice. My choice was to allow her simplicity and safety once this was all over.

I realized that we had been standing there for some time. By now, Carlisle was not the only one who was soaked through. This morning had been full of pregnant pauses. There felt like there was so much to say and yet, when I tried to think of what it was, I came up empty-handed. I looked to my father figure, wondering if I could possibly ask him for advice in this. It would not have been the first time that I sought his counsel and I was sure that he would be happy to give it. I did not know what questions to ask, however, and I didn't think I could bear it if he told me that he had no answers for me. Instead, I settled for changing the subject.

"How is she?" I asked, my eyes drifting to the kitchen window where I could see the back of her head as she dug around in the fridge. It was good to see that she did not let herself sleep in, despite being homeschooled and unsupervised. It was something that my Bella would have done. I painstakingly tore my eyes from her and returned my attention to Carlisle.

"Quiet," he replied, his voice a tad heavy. "Mostly, she pretends that I'm not there. Sometimes, she stares. I think she has something to say, but I don't think she knows how." He chuckled a bit before adding, "She offered me something to drink at one point. She seemed to think that red wine would be enticing."

"I didn't know Charlie drank," I said, momentarily puzzled by the phenomenon.

"I believe it was a wedding gift to Charlie and Renee," he answered. "She said it had been in the back of the pantry for as long as she could remember."

"That's not very long," I countered flatly. I began to wonder if this wasn't Jacob's influence. He was a teenaged boy, after all. Did he ever drink? Did he ever drink with Bella? The very idea of it and all of the possibilities associated had my teeth grinding.

"No, but there was a thick layer of dust on it and the brand was rather expensive," Carlisle replied, "Not the kind of thing Charlie would spend money on to drink alone. Or what a kid in high school could afford." I looked away, irritated by my transparency. Another long pause ensued. I listened to the rain pour down around us. It had picked up a little now, causing the ground to go from tacky yet firm to putty-like. I could feel my boots getting slowly sucked into the thick mud. In the house, I noticed Bella sit down at the table with a plate and a book. Homework already, it seemed. Carlisle interrupted my observation then. "Jacob Black will not be coming by today." Once again, I broke my gaze from her and turned to my father. I waited patiently for him to continue. "From what I gathered, he would be out on the hunt for Victoria this evening. One of his pack members picked up a trail last night."

I felt myself tense. If my heart still beat, it would be thundering at this very moment.

"Why weren't we informed when it happened? Why aren't we following it immediately?" I demanded, unable to contain my outburst. Carlisle still remained the picture of patience, however.

"Because it was not Victoria and because the scent was very faint. It was an unidentified individual and they found it around three this morning off Route 101, not far from Forks city limits. Jacob and his pack will be out through the night, searching for any further leads."

I relaxed a little. A random undead didn't mean a connection to our target. It could have just been a loner passing through at an unfortunate time.

"You'll be out there with them, I presume?"

"Of course," Carlisle affirmed. "We've coordinated teams. A Cullen to every Quileute and cellphones as method of communication."

"I would hope that I don't have to ask you to be careful, then," I said, putting my hand to his arm. He smiled at me affectionately.

"No, you don't. We'll be fine. Just take care of yourself."

As funny as it was, I could tell that he was more concerned for me than for himself or any of my other family members. I would be insulted if I had not known him so well. I nodded to him and we took our time saying goodbyes. When we were finally satisfied with the moment, Carlisle took my keys and drove away in the Volvo, back to our home. As for myself, I took a while longer outside. I stared in through the kitchen window at Bella as she slowly ate her breakfast and continued to work. I took my time letting my feelings melt away, savoring each one before I steeled myself over and became stone. It was only then did I allow myself to enter the Swan home and begin my watch.


	10. Chapter 10: Mixed Signals

**Chapter Ten**

 **Mixed Signals**

 _"I know my words will dry up on the skin_

 _Just like a name I remember hearing_

 _Wild winter, warm coffee_

 _Mom's gone, do you love me?_

 _Blazing summer, cold coffee_

 _Baby's gone, do you love me?"_

 _-_ Sylvan Esso, "Coffee"

 _Let Q be the point of intersection in the first quadrant of the circle C with equation (x-1) squared plus y squared equals 1 and the circle C squared with equation x squared plus y squared equals r squared. Let R be the point where the line passing through the points P(0, r) and Q intersects the x-axis. Determine what happens to R as r-0+._

The clock ticked away minutes behind me, obnoxiously pointing out how long it was taking me to solve this. With every passing tick, my brow drew lower over my eyes as if that would somehow help me find the answer. I sighed with irritation as I realized that I no longer remembered the question. My eyes lifted back to the textbook and I read again:

 _Let Q be the point of intersection for the first quadrant of the circle... Wait... Let Q be the point of intersection in the first quadrant... Huh? One more time. Let Q be the point of... Ugh, come on, Bella! Focus!_

My vexation was reaching extensive proportions. No matter how many times I read this problem, the meaning of it eluded me. As if written in some strange, foreign language, none of the words made any sense anymore. I was beginning to grow angry. It wasn't as if the material was new to me. I had been in Calculus all year and the homework had never given me any trouble before. Although I was no mathlete, it was true, I was plenty competent enough on retaining lessons and the text was extremely student-friendly. I didn't want to admit it, but I knew the real cause of my distraction. Willing the intensity of my glare to burn a hole in the back of his head, I gave Edward a damning glance. The bloodsucker had arrived to take over for the doctor about twenty minutes ago, interrupting my productivity with his stupid presence. I knew that it was nothing he was intentionally doing, so I felt a little bad about taking out my frustrations on him. After all, focusing on homework wasn't exactly easy when I had a target on my back and a psycho vampire out for my head. But it made it a little easier when I tacked on that he was also to blame for my life-threatening predicament with Victoria and for a heartbreak that I didn't have to remember to be mad about.

With another repressed sigh, I turned my focus back to my studies. Cursing Edward wasn't going to fix anything. No matter how much better it may make me feel. Unfortunately, the short reprieve did nothing for me academically. I had read that it helped to make word problems in math more personal, to replace parts of the question with names of people that you knew or to incorporate current events into it. So, for me, that would be like... _Jacob Black is traveling at 60 mph heading west and is 260 miles away from his destination. Edward Cullen is traveling 70 mph heading east on the same road. Assuming that Edward's destination is also 260 miles away, when do the two supernatural beings meet and where?_ or _Victoria is traveling at 100 mph. She is an unknown distance away. How long until she reaches Bella and kills her? Factor in the amount of time it will take to drain her body dry of blood._ And, of course, don't for get to show your work. _Maybe I should give up on homework for a while..._ With a final sigh, I closed the textbook in defeat. Leaning back in my chair, I wondered what I could do instead. There were a few things I could do around the house. Or maybe I could read a book. Although, reading literature may prove just as difficult as reading math equations with my unwelcome bodyguard. Once again, I shot Edward's back a frosty glance.

"Bella, please stop staring at me like I killed your dog," he said suddenly, sounding tired. I jumped a little, not having expected him to catch me. In an effort to save face, I squared my shoulders and retorted:

"Fortunately, I don't have a dog for you to kill." _Oooh, real clever, Bella_ , I thought grimly, kicking myself. Ever since I'd let him in, he'd done nothing but stare out the kitchen window at the rain. Now, he turned to glance at me from over his shoulder, one eyebrow raised.

"Don't you?" he asked before returning to his weather watch.

I could feel my anger explode within me, white hot and uncontrollable. All at once, my teeth ground together and my body jumped out of my chair. I stood there for a minute, glaring daggers at this leech, tears beginning to spring to my eyes in my rage and building my emotion further. With Victoria's impending return, Jacob's frequent absence and the threat to his life for my sake, the return of the Cullens, my lost memories, the weird feeling that something was wrong with the things Jacob had been telling me, and now Edward's snarky remark, I was overflowing with stress and I couldn't take any more. The only thing I had was to take it out on the one person who seemed to be somewhere in the mix with all of it.

"Where do you get the gall?" I growled. Edward stared at me passively, his face completely neutral. It did nothing to calm me. Balling my hands into fists, I continued. "Do you even believe the crap that comes out of your mouth? First you ruin my life and put me at the top of Victoria's hit list, then you randomly come back to take responsibility for it and save me, and now you're sitting in my kitchen being a snarky jackass to me? Make up your mind already! Are you Lestat or Louis?"

The kitchen rang with silence. Again the clock ticked at us, announcing the passage of time. We just stood there through it, staring at one another. Edward still looked unfazed, but I felt as though that weren't the case somehow. For whatever reason, I felt like he was just a hard person to read in the first place. I began to wonder if he was going to respond to me at all or simply wait for my anger to fizzle out. I even wondered if he cared at all about what I said to him or what I thought. Surely, he didn't. I probably looked like a foolish little girl to him, screaming about my feelings to a heartless demon, stamping my foot and pouting about one crass joke. He did speak, however.

"You're different," he said simply. He paused so long after that, I thought he had said all that he would. "Before I left, you never would have said any of this to me. You would have kept it to yourself, suffer in silence. It would have taken an act of God for me to get you to tell me what was bothering you."

"Don't tell me I hurt your feelings," I spat, still feeling sore. The ghost of a smile graced his lips, making him look sad rather than amused.

"On the contrary," he replied. "I find it an improvement. You were always hard to read. It was maddening."

I forgot my anger in lieu of my confusion. What did he mean about me being hard to read? Couldn't he just read my mind and find out why I was upset? There was no way that this monster actually respected my privacy when he had no qualms with trying to make me an easy meal. Did I get the powers and Cullens mixed up?

"I thought you were a telepath," I said, frowning at him. Edward nodded at me. He now faced me, the small of his back resting against the sink, hands in the pocket of his jeans. He really was handsome, I admitted. He wore a forgettable grey V-neck that would look plain on anyone else. On him, however, it looked designer and expensive. I wondered what that was like, to be able to make anything look beautiful or appealing. I imagined that it got pretty old after a while.

"I am. However, my abilities don't seem to work on you," he answered. I blinked at him in my surprise.

"Me? So you can't read my thoughts at all?" He shook his head at me. His constant, steady gaze was a little unnerving. It took me a second to speak again. "So... I mean, is that common?" Once again, he shook his head.

"You are the only person whose thoughts I have ever been unable to read. It was actually what made me notice you in the first place."

I was quiet for a time. He had just given me so much to mull over. I slowly sat back down. I was the only person whose thoughts stayed private around Edward Cullen, the only person in the world and in the past however long he'd been alive. Why? What made me special? Did I actually have superpowers and this was just another thing someone wasn't telling me? Considering that having that kind of ability could only help me with Victoria, I doubted it. And _that_ was what made Edward notice me to begin with? I could see why. After all that time and after all of the people he'd met, I was the first one to ever deny him access to my brain. But was that the reason he pretended to date me? Was I just an experiment? Or was that why he wanted to drink my blood? Maybe he thought he could absorb whatever weirdness I had by consuming me. Were vampires religious fanatics? So many questions came into play in that moment, but none that I trusted him to answer.

"Did you finish?" he said suddenly. I looked up at him blankly, not understanding what he was asking. "Your homework."

I looked back down at the closed textbook before me and frowned. _Oh, that._

"No, I didn't. I couldn't focus," I replied, suddenly feeling weary.

"Would you like a partner, then?"

"Huh?" I replied lamely. It caught me offguard. While I was surprised by his offer to help me, I felt that it was almost normal of him to do so. I floundered for a bit for a response, but he beat me to it.

"Finals are coming up. I'm afraid near-death situations aren't an excuse for failing your senior year," he said, sounding slightly amused. A crooked grin graced his face and I was ashamed to say that my heart fluttered in response. It was dizzying how I could go from hating and mistrusting him to being, well, dazzled. "I take this course every few years, so you could say that I'm well-versed in the subject."

I felt like I was so slow when it came to answering him and, for some reason, it made me feel like I was mentally inferior for it. It took me time to sift through my emotions, though. I knew that I was still mad at Edward and I certainly didn't trust him. Through everything, his demeanor was flaky, prone to changing on a whim; I disliked that quality. Then, there was that guilty feeling every time I gave Edward or any of his family a chance. I knew that Jacob would be upset if he knew that I was studying with a vampire. To him, it would feel like betrayal. But at the same time, Edward was right: finals were fast approaching. I had to be ready if I wanted to graduate on time. Amnesia or no amnesia, I refused to be held back a year because of one stupid decision to jump.

"Of course, you don't have to," Edward said uncertainly, his good humor melting into hesitation.

"I'd appreciate that," I said slowly, nodding. I could see relief in his face. Would my rejection bother him so much, I wondered. He moved to the table and seated himself across from me.

"So, what are you stuck on?" he asked.

Hours rolled by as we dominated my schoolwork. Just as he'd said, Edward was extremely well-versed in each and every one of my subjects. It was like having a teacher going over the material with me, right from my very home. There was no question that he had no answer to. Regardless of how long he'd been alive, I found his expansive knowledge to be awe-inspiring. For him to know so much on any subject implied that he'd had the inclination to learn it in the first place. Despite myself, I found my respect for him growing. He was a patient teacher, too. Throughout my calculus homework, he never grew exasperated at my difficulty; math had never been my best subject. As we moved on to physics, I became all the more intrigued by him. While science had never been a subject that I'd devoted much personal research into, there was something about the way Edward explained it that made me want to know more. He was always kept up an emotionless facade, but when he spoke of physics (and we later got sidetracked by a conversation or two about black holes and the Big Bang), he seemed to get a little excited. His eagerness to teach made my eager to learn in kind. Then, English came around. It seemed that this year's final would be our choice of the following essays: 1.) _What is the nature of friendship in The Picture of Dorian Gray? Consider specifically Basil, Lord Henry, and Dorian as they relate to each other_. 2.) _In what way does chess in Through the Looking Glass suggest a deterministic conception of life?_ or 3.) _Discuss the importance of dialogue to character development in Pride & Prejudice._ Being an Austen fan, I chose Pride & Prejudice.

"Of course," Edward said, a laugh in his voice. I looked up at him, an eyebrow raised and poised to defend my tastes.

"What? It's the best option."

"Oh, it's a wonderful novel," he agreed, "It's just that I knew what you would pick."

"And I thought you couldn't read my mind," I replied, only a little suspicious of him. He continued to chuckle at my predictability.

"I can't. But I've known you long enough to know that the only book that would have beaten _Pride & Prejudice_ with you would have been _Wuthering Heights,_ your favorite novel. I must have watched you read that book twice this year." It was a while before his laughter subsided. I fell silent, staring at him. He knew my favorite book. He said he watched me read it, twice even. Would someone who didn't care about me as a person really bother to know those things? Even after his shot at me was gone? I even remembered a time when he watched me, long ago. I wasn't even aware that he was there at the time. I'd fallen asleep reading it in the backyard. When I'd awoken, I could have sworn it felt like I was being watched. He must have told me it was him sometime later, because there was no doubt in my mind who it was in this moment. It was a little much to take in at the moment, this memory and his statement. I shoved them aside, not wanting to lose the momentum in my studies.

"I must have read _Pride & Prejudice_ a hundred times, too. It'll be an easy essay," I said before beginning to plan out my final.

Before I knew it, I heard the door of Charlie's cruiser shut outside. I looked up at the kitchen window, startled by how dark it was. Where had the daylight gone? I didn't even eat lunch. It would be microwaveables for dinner this evening. With a jolt, I remembered Edward was in the house. Charlie would lose his mind. My head whipped in his direction, only to find that he was no longer there. I looked around the kitchen and got up to peek into the living room. Nothing. The front door opened and Charlie came in, looking tired in his uniform.

"Bella?" he called.

"Hey, Dad," I answered. I came to meet him in the hall and watched as he removed his boots slowly, groaning on the way down and up. With a thunk and rattle, he set aside his belt.

"Hey," he said when he saw me. He followed me back into the kitchen. "Study session went longer than expected, huh?" The table was still covered in textbooks and writing material. I gave him a sheepish smile.

"Yeah, I kind of lost track of time. You don't mind a TV dinner tonight, huh?" I asked. I picked up that I was the cook in our household about a week in. Before Charlie handed me the keys to my truck again, I started making him grocery lists and went right back to my role as house chef.

"You know you never have to cook, Bella," Charlie said gruffly. Neither of us were particularly emotional people, it seemed. He grew awkward every time things got remotely mushy. Good to know I got it honestly, anyway.

"I know, but I also know it's nice to come home to a home-cooked meal," I replied, getting a couple of microwave meals out of the freezer for us. "Meatloaf okay?"

"I can eat a frozen dinner every once in a while, Bells. It won't kill me. And yeah, that's fine. Thank you."

I heated up dinner for us and cleared the table. Together, we ate in companionable silence. Neither of us rushed to find a topic of conversation. I liked that about Charlie. Not many people were content to just enjoy the company of another person like he was. Of course, I was probably giving him a little too much credit. Charlie was a terrible conversationalist and probably, like me, entirely too awkward to be trusted with finding something to talk about. Regardless of the reason, it was nice not to be assaulted by inane chatter for the sake of noise. _Thank God I don't live with Jessica_ , I thought. _Angela's probably the only other person I know who could do this. Only human one, that is_. I was struck again with another memory and I skipped a beat in eating. Another face I could remember. So much was coming back to me today. What was the cause? Had enough time finally gone by for my hippocampus to begin recovery? Rather than make it obvious and build up Charlie's hopes, I quickly continued eating. If Charlie knew that I had begun getting memories back, he would become impatient and pester me incessantly. I didn't need another stress in my life right now. I finished dinner as fast as I could after that, craving a shower and the solitude of my room.

"Turning in already?" Charlie asked when I grabbed my booksack and began up the stairs.

"Yeah, studying took a lot out of me," I said vaguely, continuing up. "Night."

In the solace of warm shower water beating down my back, I could finally think over the hard revelations of the day. For a while, I let my thoughts roam, just touching the topics on my mind until one stuck. Angela's face was the first to catch my attention. I had finally remembered her, one of the dearest friends I had on the human-side. We didn't talk much and we hadn't made many efforts to see each other outside of school, but we were close. I could remember many a time feeling comfort from her when Jessica and the other friends that I still didn't remember became a little too overbearing. I remembered dress shopping with her, although the particular occasion for it eluded me. I wanted to be happier about this little victory, but there were other things on my mind to keep me grounded.

Four major memories so far had returned to me. Two friends and their faces, their personalities and their relationship to me. One of Edward watching me in the backyard, reading and napping, and one of his blond brother launching himself across a room to kill me. The last two had my head spinning. They were so opposing. The memory of being attacked fell right in line with what Jacob told me. The memory of Edward watching me didn't really argue against Jacob's information, either, now that I thought about it. Edward could have easily been stalking me for months. In that time, as he bided his time and waited to make a move, did he frequently observe me reading _Wuthering Heights_? If so, then I could see how he would remember that it was my favorite. But why was I so sure that I wasn't being threatened when I remembered it? And why did Edward's tone sound so sentimental when he said it? It was so warm and affectionate.

For a dark moment, I considered that Jacob could have been dishonest with me. How easy would it be to manipulate someone when they had nothing else to go on but your word. I dared to imagine everything he had told me being a lie. The pain at just the concept was unreal and I banished that idea to the far recesses of my mind. Jacob would never do something so terrible. He was too honest and I had already discovered for myself that he was an awful liar. He couldn't even affectively keep a secret from me without me knowing that something was wrong. There was no way that Jacob would ever do something so cruel.

After I'd gotten out of the shower and toweled off, I dressed in some baggy sweats and made my way into my room.

"What the hell are you doing?" I demanded. Edward sat elegantly in the corner of the room, legs crossed, fingers interlaced. He gazed at me calmly. With my wet hair and ratty clothes, I felt like a dirty peasant before a majestic king. I scowled at him.

"A question for you," he replied. I wanted badly to tell him to take his question and shove it, but curiosity got the better of me. I raised an eyebrow to indicate that he could continue. After a pause, he asked "Why is it that you haven't asked me any questions about our relationship?"

"Why would I trust anything you had to say?" I asked back, irritated by the simplicity of the inquiry. Obviously, I wouldn't have asked him. Why waste my time?

"Why would I bother lying now?" I frowned in response. "Think on it. You've already found me out, haven't you? Jacob told you everything that I allegedly did to you. And if you think I'd waste building up your trust again, then you obviously don't think I value my time. Infinite though it may be, there are many things I would rather be doing than playing mind games with a high school student. Not that I ever really needed your trust or your consent. You've seen my speed and I'm sure you've been told of my strength. Without anyone knowing that you were gone, I could whisk you away halfway to Port Angeles in a matter of minutes and break your neck to keep you quiet on the way." I was stricken by his words, terrified by the ice in his voice. But even through my horror, I could see the logic. He was right. My opinions were never relevant to his having me. Then why? "But that aside, even if I was one to play with my food, you have the utmost protection now. You are in a romantic interlude with my natural predator, part of a pack of six and growing every day. Do you honestly think a quick meal is worth being hunted down and slaughtered? Because knowing your Quileutes as I do, I know they would not stop at the state border to catch me. There is no incentive, no outcome in which I win were I this vile and evil being that Jacob Black has made me out to be. So why would you not trust my answers about the specifics of our relationship? What would I gain from lying to you now?"

I had no answer for him. I thought about being belligerent, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was a waste of both of our time, which he made clear was precious. I had no time for a reply, however. He was right on to his next topic.

"I will not stand here and say to you that I do not deserve you to shun me, because I do. I _did_ break your heart, I _was_ selfish, and I _am_ to blame for you being victimized by Victoria. And I _am_ sorry. I want you to understand that I am doing everything that I can to undo my wrongs. Please, allow me that much."

I was really beginning to hate how he always left me speechless. It was something I never expected, for him to admit what he'd done to me. I was so surprised that I had no words to answer him with. I didn't really know why he asked me to give him permission or what exactly he planned to do to make things right, but I found myself nodding all the same. And then, he was gone. Only the ghost of a thank you on the wind to echo his departure. I stood there, staring at the place he had sat moments before, for a long while. Strangely, I felt like laughing. In five quick minutes, Edward had forced me to trust him a little with words alone. I could tell why I had fallen for him in that moment. While Jacob was sweet and warm and certainly no idiot, he wasn't the intellectual that Edward was. He would never challenge my mind or make me think deeper than the surface. It was a shame that he was on the wrong side of things.

I had gone to bed that night shortly thereafter, but while I lay under the covers, I did not sleep. I was up for hours before unconsciousness finally came for me. For the first time in weeks, I dreamed again of that figure in the meadow and Jacob pulling me away. Only this time, I almost managed to escape from him.


End file.
